


Coalesce

by ARandomFactoid



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Shenko - Freeform, Venko, shega, shenga
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-05
Updated: 2014-07-24
Packaged: 2018-01-18 07:09:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1419224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ARandomFactoid/pseuds/ARandomFactoid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They come together, slowly.  It's a bit of a mess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning of an Ending

**Author's Note:**

> co·a·lesce verb \ˌkō-ə-ˈles\: to come together to form one group or mass  
> co·a·lescedco·a·lesc·ing
> 
> intransitive verb  
> 1: to grow together  
> 2 a : to unite into a whole : fuse / b : to unite for a common end : join forces  
> 3: to arise from the combination of distinct elements  
> transitive verb: to cause to unite 
> 
> http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/coalesce

Shepard had called him on his flirting in a way that was.. interesting, up in her cabin and later when he getting his tattoo. And in her new fancy apartment she told him it was ‘not even remotely’ a problem, his flirting. In the moment he took it as how solid she and Major were, how little it mattered if he shot off his mouth and called her Lola - _that Jimmy Vega, lightening things up for everyone with his irreverent comic-relief._ Then he’d gone and shown her the finished tattoo, and she had slid the tips of her fingers ever so gently across the still-raised lines of the N7 symbol, only jerking her hand away when he craned his neck to look back at her as her fingers explored. But she was Commander Shepard, - and she was going to save the galaxy, and it was pretty obvious she and the Major, the powerful biotic hand-picked to train spec-op forces, second human spectre, and all around nice guy, had a good, serious thing going. 

James was also pretty sure Kaidan picked up on James’ thing for Shepard, as nebulous and unambitious if not completely pathetic as it was, and didn't seem to care. Kaidan went out of his way to make friends - which might have been just his way. Still, he kept James grounded during missions when James was over-eager to prove himself or unable to trust Shepard to take care of herself. And although Kaidan never came right out and said why he was spending so much time down in the cargo bay, or losing at cards on the crew deck, James knew Kaidan could have had the long discussions about Shepard with almost anyone else but him; half the crew had been around since the Saren days. The topics struck too close to home, hit on all the points about doing the right thing, being present in the moment, being there for Shepard; thoughts that James had spent the weeks, months, between Mars and the coup just trying to suppress and survive.

He rooted for them, he really did. With all of that war to fight, James wasn't going to complain if his superior officers sometimes used his workbench as a ‘work surface’ when they thought he wasn't going to be around for a while, much less worry about the regs. And who had to know that he thought about the Commander and Major, what they got up to up in the Captain’s quarters, when he was taking care of himself on the far side of the ship? The idea of ‘them’ made him happy, and who would deny they were hot? Which isn't to say he brought any of that up when, the night before they were going to hit Chronos, he found Kaidan sitting next to his workstation, bottle of booze sitting next to him and twirling a ring between his fingers.

A gift from EDI, he explained, matching one she had given to Shepard back on the Citadel, during their last shore leave. “I think she’s trying to get me to propose to Shepard.” he finished, with a shrug.

“What? You think she’d say no?” James had laughed as he tinkered with Shepard’s shotgun, _cleaning really - reaper guts get everywhere when you biotically crash into them._ And because he was working, it took him several beats longer than it should have to notice Kaidan hadn't answered his taunt. When he finally did notice, he turned to see Kaidan looking back at him, hunched over himself - pensive - his elbows on his knees, his mouth hidden behind steepled fingers. James shook his head. “She won’t say no, _Comandante_ , you don’t think..?”

“She’s got a lot on her plate, Vega. She doesn't need…”

“You may be right about that, too much on her plate - but come on hombre. I mean, what the hell are you doing here? You know she’s just working herself ragged up in her cabin. Take the booze, and what needs to happen, will happen.” James chuckled. “Aren't you the wise old major? Look at me, giving you advice - they should promote me.”

Kaidan laughed at that, and uncoiled, running a hand through his hair. “Some lessons just need to keep being re-learned, especially if you’re stubborn.”

“I hear that.” James agreed “So are you gonna go? Or do I need to rope Cortez in on this? Maybe the Doc?”

Kaidan held up his hands, the ring sliding to the first knuckle of his ring finger, the stone glinting back at James, “I’m going… geez - didn't know you were so invested.” Kaidan teased, but shook his head as he scooped up the bottle. “Strike that. It’s good to have someone… with us, you know.” Kaidan stood, putting a hand on James’ bicep. “Don’t you work yourself too hard tonight - Shepard still hasn't decided on the squad when we hit Cerberus. It’s not Earth - but… you've never turned down a fight with Cerberus. You gonna be okay, LT?”

“Naww.. I’ll be fine _Comandante._ ” James confirmed with a pat of the shotgun, “This is the last one I got before a night-cap with Esteban and calling it a night. I’ll be ready, if the Commander wants me.”

Kaidan gave his arm a squeeze, “Good to hear. And thanks, in case I don’t get a chance later, for, you know, being here, around, when I couldn't.”

“Sure thing, friend.” James nodded, leaning into Kaidan’s grip in acknowledgement. “You’ll know where to find me if I’m needed.”

“Don’t doubt it, James.” Kaidan finished, without clarifying, and with a final squeeze of James’ arm started to head for the lift. Kaidan was still waiting for the doors to open when a thought struck James, prompting to step out of his workspace and call out.

“Kaidan - grab some glasses for that bottle. The nice ones from the lounge - I hear Commanders like that fancy glass-like feel in their hands.”

Kaidan threw him a salute. “Aye aye, LT. Thanks.” he added as he stepped backwards into the lift, a real smile finally on his face.

Vega felt his own smile on his face for the rest of the night, hoping for the best between Shepard and Kaidan, and thinking about how their fingers had felt, lingering on his skin.


	2. Lighting the Fuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vega ponders whether if it's better to know, or not, about a number of things.

James was ready, waiting even, down in the cargo bay.  He had the full set of weapons ready, the full complement of everyone’s preferred pieces and mods, and with Steve’s help, all of the damaged armor pieces had been repaired or replaced - they were really treating this like the beginning of the final push, it was happening.

So he tried not to worry when Joker called out the one hour warning before contact.  Any other mission, Shepard would have ground team assignments out - gear up or go about your business, and so far, not a word.  He toyed with the idea that she might be newly engaged, feeling too good to work until the last minute, but it didn’t hold any water when it came to Shepard.  He took to pacing, debating armoring up, just in case - he’s gone on most missions since Earth, but not all - and this was slamming into a base to retrieve data.  The slamming part he had down, but data meant tech, and kicking the box or pulling wires was about the limit of his expertise.  Worst of all, he just had to sit and wait until he had the answer, not being able to work out, or cook because he’s on call.   He’s also sure everyone he’d want to talk to about it would be too busy to soothe his nerves.  Then Steve made the mistake of mentioning the silence may be a precaution against sabotage, just in case there was an indoctrinated crewman on board.

“Why’d you gotta tell me that, man?” James says, too loudly, “I was just worried about whether or not I was on the mission.  Now I gotta think about... Westmoreland trying to off Shepard or Kaidan... or Sparks the Quarian Admiral, or Doc the Shadow Broker?  Thanks Esteban!”

Steve rose from his crouch in front of the Kodiak’s thrusters.  “Sorry I brought it up, but your mind went straight to Westmoreland?  Really?” he asks. James doesn't even need to stop his pacing to know Steve is looking at him incredulously.  “Don’t be paranoid.  Hackett’s on board - new protocols, relax.”

James stalked back to and sat at his bench, out of Steve’s view, where Kaidan had been sitting the night before.  “You're right,” he admitted.  “But Westmoreland… yeah… sneaky.”  James forced a laugh, and waits to hear Steve go back to fiddling with the the shuttle before he opens his omni-tool and starts a new message to Kaidan.  He’s tapped out and deleted the greeting three times when he hears the lift open, and he pops back out into the open bay.  Shepard, Kaidan, and EDI are all piling out in their armor.  Well, Shepard and Kaidan are already in their armor.  EDI is armor, James thinks, before it sinks in that he’s obviously not on the mission.  He’s momentarily relieved, just having the answer, before a new swell of unease settles over him - _he’s not on the mission_.

He shakes his head, his arms, bounces on the balls of his feet as he steps off - it doesn't matter that he’s not going; anyone of the crew, in any combination, would get it done.   _And it’s tech_ , he reminds himself as he makes for the weapons bench to assist with load-up, _not his thing_. Besides, _it’s Shepard’s call_.  Shepard, who never explains her squad assignments, everyone just figures out her patterns and refer to it obliquely during the downtime conversations.   _Your people, your mission_ , is one of them - patterns -  and James supposes Cerberus is EDI’s people, even if they are the enemy. _Major Alenko_ is another big one.  That one Kaidan has explained to him, at least relaying the official line that as a Spectre and Major, Shepard extended him the courtesy of first refusal for any mission.  That he hasn't _refused_ since Garvug, when James and Garrus had to rush an unconscious Shepard to the Med-Bay because they had run out of medi-gel after she caught the wrong end of a turret - is something Kaidan only acknowledged with a rueful grin. _Vega’s Cute_ is the one that has gotten him on as many missions as he’s been on, Cortez letting that bit overheard conversation slip during chow time pretty early on.  By his count, he has N4, maybe N5 wrapped up because of her on-the-war training. None of it’s official, but if they live through this… and it’s not like he would wouldn't have done any minute of it anyway.  But, patterns one and two always come before three, so he gets to sit and listen to the feeds with everyone else without something more important to do.

Cortez is armored for this drop, which is unsettling.  Shepard is wearing her visor, but has her full helmet in hand, letting in land on the weapons bench with a thump - she, hates is a strong word, extremely dislikes the full helmet and usually has to be convinced to wear it; she is apparently half-convinced at this point.  Even EDI is wearing another set of armor over her frame.   _This is it_ \- James feels it in his gut, it’s just that his head can’t catch up, his head needs to be doing something, should be suiting up, preparing to fight, to win or die.  He reaches for Shepard’s Lancer, it’s older tech that doesn’t always sync up to the hardsuit on the first load up, they’ve made of habit of just helping each other get it loaded.  They don’t even remark upon it anymore, so he jumps when a hand intercepts his arm and stops him.

“James, a moment?”  Her hand is ungloved and warm on his bare arm, and the jump in his heart rate from the startle is maintained by the squeeze she gives him, soft, tentative - she’s asking, not ordering. He turns, and she’s looking up, but not quite making eye contact, swallowing hard.  She holds out her other hand, grasping something he can’t see, offering it to him.

“Of course, Shepard.” He nods back to her, using her lack of eye contact to search out Kaidan over her shoulder, whose leaning against the far end of the weapons bench, watching his and Shepard’s exchange while EDI makes final adjustments to her own weapons between them.  James reaches out his hand without looking at Shepard, still looking at Kaidan, who is making eye contact.  A set of dogtags clink into his palm, bringing his attention down, back to Shepard as she huffs a breath.

“Lola?” he asks, turning them over.  The tags don’t match - on has a black backing, thicker, N7 logo - _Shepard’s_.  The other is regulation weight, but more textured, another logo stamped into the surface - Spectre.  He flips it over, reading the name, _Alenko’s_.  

“If anyone asks,” she starts, too fast, her voice wavering, “If anyone asks,” she repeats, sounding more like the Commander than Shepard, “it’s a reminder just in case we don’t make it back from this when you’re in command.”

James fists the tags, dropping his hand to his side.  “What?  You sure that’s a good idea?  I mean, I’m good at what I do - but you telling me… what do you mean if anyone asks?”

Shepard laughs, her body deflates, and gives him a sly grin, “Don’t anyone tell you you aren’t… alright on the uptake.  The real reason is that we… want to do it.  If we don’t…” she waves her hand in a lazy semi circle.  “You’re our family, yeah?”

“You’re saying goodbye?” he asks her, sharp enough to make her blink.

She doesn’t answer at first, turning back to look at Kaidan, who straightens up off the bench, but doesn’t make a move towards them.  He only nods.  

Shepard is already facing him when he looks back to her, and she has _the smile_ \- the crinkling her nose, squinting her eyes ever so slightly - the involuntary, not fake, one James first saw when he told her that he likes her hair because it’s the color of guajillos.  And he’s pretty sure he’s giving her the same goofy grin he gave her when she cut his explanation short - _she knows what guajillos are_ , and he can’t help but find that more than a little attractive.

“Umm..” he finally says, knowing he’s let the moment stretch too long as her smile begins to falter.   _So fuck it,_ he thinks, and pulls her into him arms, wrapping his free hand into hair, like he’s wanted to since that night they spent in the lounge and he compared her to a chili pepper and she crinkled her nose while Kaidan watched from the seat next to her- smiling his own secret half-smile that, James now knows, is the closest he ever gets to smug.  James dares a kiss to the top of Shepard’s head, and then a deep breath in, breathing her in,  when she sighs and leans into the embrace.  

Cortez announces the shuttle is ready to go, EDI announces Hackett has cleared the mission, and the moment is over.  Shepard pulls away as his arms slide down to his sides, and James trying not to feel useless, helpless, as the two people he cares about most-

_There it is._

It’s a sentiment he squashes - it won’t do any good to worry over it now, so close to the end.  And it’s not something he could have had anyway.

“Thanks Lola,” he says instead, slipping the tags over his head.  “I’ll take care of ‘em while you’re taking out the trash.  Plenty of time to say goodbye, after.”

“Sure James,” she says, with forces lightness, reaching for the Lancer “sorry about the mission silence bef-”

“Not my place to question Shepard, and I get it.” James cuts her off, snatching the Lancer before she reaches it.  “Just hoping to to be able to go outside and play when we hit Earth.”

“Of course, Vega.” Shepard reassures him, turning away so he can mount the weapon on her suit.  Per usual, it takes three tries before the rifle’s loaded correctly according to the suits external sensors.  He claps her shoulder when he’s done, and she turns back to him, grabbing her helmet and walking backwards as she heads towards the shuttle.  “Maybe we’ll have a drink at the after-party.”

“Yeah, Lola, you bet.”  James notices Kaidan crossing his peripheral vision and turns his head in the Major’s direction.  “Hey, _Comandante_ , you two keep an eye out for each other - and leave some for EDI too, eh?”

“I anticipate optimal performance, James.” EDI quipped as she entered the shuttle, “Shepard and Kaidan will not need to _leave_ anything for me.”

“Of course not, EDI.  Just sayin’.” James responded, smirking at Kaidan.  Putting his hand out, “Best of luck, Kaidan.”

Kaidan stops, and takes his hand with a firm shake.  “Shepard was serious about the command thing, and the family thing.” he tells James before pulling him in for a hug.  Clapping his other arm around James’ shoulders, “It’s your call whether to send a squad in after us if things go wrong. Lucky for you you’re the most qualified Alliance marine left on the ship Hackett’ll follow your lead..” he says low into James’ ear.  James swallows and can’t answer before Kaidan pulls away, and he forces himself to quash the thought about how good they both smell.

Kaidan is halfway to the shuttle before James remembers to ask about last night.  “So how..” he starts, before remembering they’re not alone.  Kaidan turns, and he has that half-smile kind of smug smirk again, and he shakes his head.

“Right, mission - go, go…” James stammers, waving his hands in a motion he hopes looks like shooing.  He looks for Shepard, finding her standing in the open shuttle, watching James and Kaidan.  James squares his shoulders and throws a salute, giving his best smirk, to make her smile.

She does smile, but she doesn't return the salute. She puts her hand over her heart.

And his own clenches in his chest.

 


	3. Antici....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James observes, and then participates.

Finding himself alone in the shuttle bay, Vega forces himself to take a deep breath, clear his head. There’s no telling how long they’re going to be, and it’s not like James had anywhere to go, anywhere to be that wasn’t as close to his armor, rifle, and the shuttle as he could manage without actually being in the kit. He does ask Traynor to pass along a message to Admiral Vas Normandy, Officer Vakarian, and Ms. T’Soni, requesting they remain in rapid deployment readiness. Traynor complies ( _Of course, Lieutenant Vega_ ), and unbidden, the audio data feed from the deployment team starts streaming on his omni-tool ( _Thanks, Traynor_ ).

Normandy is close enough to the station that the shuttle ride should be mere seconds, but Cortez’s the best for a reason, staying in stealth until he has an optimal vector, or optimal enough. The team’s pretty quiet and the mics are good enough to pick up the light clicks that James knows is Shepard clicking the back of her gauntlets against the empty co-pilot chair. This is good - she’s psyching herself up, getting antsy. EDI is EDI, crazy data streams cascading across his omni-tool’s interface. This prompts him to raid Cortez’s stash of networked data pads, laying a few out on Cortez’s immaculate workstation to transfer the data feeds so he can see them all. After pulling out each of the team’s feeds onto their own pad, James comes across that open message to Kaidan, still not a word on it. He shouldn’t do what he’s about to, but he it does anyway. Kaidan’s data feeds are showing his vitals running low, really low for a biotic - the software keeps pinging that it’s checking the Major’s metabolic history to make sure there isn’t a problem. Kaidan’s pensive, almost meditating, he’s gearing up too slow - needs a jolt, _getting personal usually works_. James decides it’s a good enough reason to put it out there. He activates voice to text and presses send before he second-guesses himself.

_Hey there - I know you’re busy. But, how’d it go, she say yes?_

James forces himself to close the message screen, to focus on the data. He pulls out two more of the data pads, one for Cortez and the shuttle, the other for the fleet feed. As soon as he’s done and arranged himself in front of them, arms wide and hands resting on the table, Cortez announces he has a vector and is off, throwing them all at a vulnerable bay as if they were in a Triton and not a big blue box. James’ omni-tool blinks a message received notification, _Kaidan’s reply_. It doesn’t matter, not right now, he puts it out of his head.

Hackett pings him as soon as Cortez confirms contact. He knows, _knows_ , the rule of thumb that when the head of the entire damned Alliance Navy invites you to confer on war strategy, you should usually accept the invitation - because it really isn’t one. But, that’s not him, not yet. Hackett isn’t even pissed when Vega turns him down, politely, sir. Kaidan wasn’t telling tales that Hackett would follow his lead. The conversation is brief, but James still misses enough to be caught off guard by the rapid discussion between EDI and Shepard, something about venting the hangar and that needing to not happen. Traynor breaks into the feed to let James know that EDI has calculated their likely trajectories in the event they are spaced, and James is really fucking glad EDI keeps that bit of trivia from Shepard and Kaidan.

EDI outmaneuvers Cerberus, twice, and James lets out a whoop as a Cerberus fighter is used as a battering ram straight through the middle of the station. He’s less excited by Kaidan’s announcement that he’s taken down an Atlas, thus pulling ahead and winning their bet. Kaidan let him count all the Atlas Mechs he’d taken out before Kaidan was even back onboard and he still ends up owing the guy a case of beer - but Shepard laughs about it when Kaidan mentions it to her,so, yeah, that’s alright. And then Vega settles in for the slog he knows they’re going to face on their way through the station.

It is quite the slog, and James can’t hear shit between the turrets and Shepard’s rapid-fire biotic charges. The war room chatter starts sounding worried until EDI asks them to desist unless they have anything useful to add, and then it’s just the ticking of the seconds to the soundtrack of biotic sonic booms and cracks of tech overloads.

The human spectres and robot lady who is also their spaceship get it done, and it all gets creepy-quiet. When they come to a video bank that EDI prompts Shepard to play back vids that get real personal real quick. James mutes the audio on his omni tool as soon as he gets wind of what’s about to be broadcasted, and starts to regret not going up to the war room. It shouldn’t get out there, it’s not their business what happened to Lola. If he had gone, he could have…. The audio feed goes dead, and a text message is forced to the top of all of his data pads, from EDI, confirming all is fine - just the audio feed is temporarily disrupted. James goes on com to back-up EDI’s decision, getting an “Amen” from Joker and pre-empting any murmuring of EDI going rogue on the team.

To fill the silence, James opens the message on his omni-tool. It is from Kaidan, voice to text - one line:

_Huh…invested, Vega?_

Three hours later, a little crowd has formed in the cargo bay; Garrus and Tali coming down as soon as Vendetta dropped the news that the Reapers have taken the Citadel. A few crewmen followed Liara down after Hackett declared the mission a success and recalled everyone to the formation for rapid redeployment to Earth. It still takes the team over two hours to make their way back to Cortez, and that is mostly silence and busy work to fill the time without much info on how the team is holding up. Physically, they’re all fine when James powers down the datapad and cuts the link to his omni tool. Mentally, well… none of them are saying much.

The shuttle opens before Cortez has killed the thrusters and Shepard is out with a hop, already down to her squish suit and bowling her helmet across the bay and into James’ pile of weights. Kaidan is close behind, still mostly armored but missing a few pieces and pulling at more. EDI and Cortez pile out, each carrying an armload of discarded armor towards Cortez’s workstation. James starts to make his way towards Cortez ( _he looks exhausted_ ) to help with the clean-up, but a hand on his shoulder turns him towards the elevator.

“Mission debrief with the admirals.” Shepard explains with a wry smile. “Garrus, Tali, can you grab the guns from the shuttle and give them a once over? Armor’s thrashed, we'll just use the back-ups. EDI, Cortez, sorry about making a mess of your Kodiak, again. Just put the stuff… anywhere.” She scans the room, coming to a halt when she notices Liara standing against the procurements bench.

“Shepard, are you alright?” Liara asks. “About..” she starts.

“Absolutely tickety-boo, Liara. Especially the parts that tick.” Shepard interrupts, starting to herd James towards the elevator again. “Can you do me a huge favor and can you…. and your entourage… help Cortez square away the shuttle? I want everyone off duty ASAP.”

“Of course, Shepard. Anything else you need?” Liara answers, her expression betraying nothing.

“Yeah, join us up in the loft after? Garrus, Tali, Cortez, all of you too. End of the world party, Alliance style.”

The elevator doors closes on the collective ‘aye ayes’ and it’s just the three of them, Vega, Shepard, and Alenko, in the elevator, all leaning against one of its walls. Shepard slides down the back wall to sit, her forehead on her knees, and asks EDI to stop the car. After a moment of stillness, Shepard is the first to speak.

“I am such a dick.”

“Sorry?” James flinches, looking at Kaidan who is focusing on removing a shoulder piece of his armor, very intently.

Shepard looks up at him. “I. Am. A. Dick. All my friends- all of my very important, leaders of their people friends come down to see how I’m doing after I just found out that I was _not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead_. And what do I do? Ask them to do clean-up duty while I go play officer.”

“Ok.” James answered, crouching down beside her. “Looking past that part where you starting singing your words in a weird voice and rhyming about being dead. Yeah, they’re big-shots, but they’re your crew. Hell, you’re Commander Shepard, you could ask us to clean toilets to help stop the Reapers, and we’d do it.”

“I doubt that, James” Shepard answers with a little laugh.

“I dunno, Tel’.” Kaidan counters. Vega and I would just do it, because it’s you. And that goes a long way. The others?” He continues, lowering himself down to Shepard’s level. “Garrus, he’d rig the fire suppression system to go off after every tenth user. Tali would… build a drone from spare parts. And Liara? She’d think about it, for too long, and then remember she has Glyph, and Glyph would hack the duty rosters to get one of the crewman to do it, no one the wiser.”

“See?” James says, nudging Shepard’s shoulder. “Nothing but the cleanest bathrooms from your crew. And.. uh.. about the dead thing.. I guess EDI didn’t say nothing - but she cut the feed when you were playing back the vids. So, there’s that.”

James watches Shepard, but hears Kaidan’s sharp breath in, and the ragged breath out. Shepard stares at the floor for a long moment. Then pushing herself up with one hand while wiping at her eyes with the other. “Yeah, Vega, cleanest bathrooms in the Alliance. Best friends a girl stuck in Oz could hope for. We can go now, EDI… and…. thanks.”

James and Kaidan stand as the begins to move again. “Oz?” James asks.

“Old joke - movie nights on the SR-1- Wizard of Oz.” Kaidan answers. “Ever wonder why Garrus knows about “We’re not in Kansas anymore?... I’ll explain, later.” he responds to James’ confused shrug. “Besides, it’s about time to be big important N7s, Spectres, or both.”

“Says the Spectre about to go into debrief wearing half his armor - the under-half.” James kidded, leaning against the wall.

“Hate to break it to you, Vega. An Alliance t-shirt isn’t considered being in proper uniform, under any stretch. Shepard just happens to think you’re cute, so you get away with it.” Kaidan shoots back as the last latch of his chest piece gave and the whole clatters to the floor.

The door to the elevator opens, and Shepard step out, smiling and muttering “There’s no place like home.”

They’re halfway to the Port-side lounge when Shepard stops, and grabbing Kaidan’s shoulder, pushes him through the door to the men’s bathroom, following after him with a quickly spoken. “Keep Hackett entertained for ten?” and leaving James standing by himself in the hallway. He hears EDI mention that Shepard is in the Men’s restroom, and Shepard’s “I got it EDI… lock the doors, yeah?” before the doors shut on him completely, leaving him at a loss. He seriously contemplates just waiting there for them to come back out… but that’d be weird, wouldn’t it? And Shepard did ask him to entertain the admiral. The admiral he’s been avoiding for the last several hours, even if he’s one of the guys who gave him this job, and maybe the N7 commendation. So James gives a look round, making sure the coast is clear, and shakes himself out, throws a few punches, squares his shoulders, and walks through the door to the lounge like he owns the place.

Hackett only needs to be entertained for five minutes, standing at the bar and asking James opinion on the mission, and having him reconfirm his decision to OK EDI’s audio black out. James gives both according to Alliance protocol, but wraps it up with a shrug and “Shepard gets it done, sir. She lets her people do as they see fit, and we haven't let her down.”

“You consider an AI one of Shepard’s people, Lieutenant Vega?” Hackett asks, eyebrow raised.

“Well… yeah… Have you seen the robot lady walkin’ round here? She’s… good people. Most loyal crewman in the Alliance. You should… uh… talk to her, when she’s done helping Cortez with the shuttle”

“ _I am available throughout the ship, Lieutenant Vega_.” EDI’s voice piped into the room. “ _But I understand if the presence of my mobile platform is preferred when making introductions. I will be sure to make myself available if the Admiral is not otherwise engaged_.”

“Of course,” Hackett responded before James could speak. “I would like to meet the AI so many of the Normandy’s crew speaks so highly of. I assume I’ll be able to pick you out of the crowd?”

“ _Of course, admiral. My appearance is quite distinctive from the organic crew members. My apologies for the interruption. EDI out_.”

“She’s like that.” James offered with a shrug. “You get used to her.”

Hackett hands James a beer. “You need to relax, son. I knew about EDI back when she was still a disembodied voice with a floating chess piece for a physical form. No need to play matchmaker.”

“I wasn’t trying… I mean, she’s actually taken.. I mean, well shit… sir.” James takes a long drink from his beer. “It’s not me.” James responds to Hackett’s smile. “Joker, sir. They’re an… item. I’m not… with anybody. Probably shouldn’t have told you that. Shepard told me to entertain you for ten minutes, not tell all there is to tell.”

“I’ll be sure to report to Commander Shepard you succeeded in your mission, Vega.” Hackett raised his glass to James’ bottle, clinking them together. “Here’s to getting it done, no matter the costs, and living in the meantime.” Hackett knocked his drink back as James watched down the neck of his beer. “I’m cutting you loose, Vega. Go enjoy yourself, I’m sure Shepard will be along shortly with her debrief.”

“Uh, sure, Sir, Admiral” James stammers, throwing a salute and escaping with his dignity somewhat intact. _Let’s hope Joker doesn’t find out about that,_ he thinks to himself, before remembering EDI heard all it. _Everyone owes each other a lot of drinks when the war is over_ , James just mentally adds another beer to the tally he owes Joker.

It’s more like twenty minutes before Shepard and Kaidan reappear. James watches them enter from his spot on the sofa that faces the door. Kaidan’s back in uniform and looks relaxed, even allowing himself the luxury of wrapping an arm around Shepard’s waist. Shepard looks a bit frazzled, her hair still damp and in borrowed kit that she had to have grabbed from the clean laundry stored in the men’s bathroom, the way it fits. She smiles easily enough though when she looks about the room, giving a small wave to James as she searched out Hackett. James watches as Hackett breaks away from his circle of aides and crosses the room to shake her hand. After a quick conference, they turn and start to leave, Kaidan holding back, turning to James and mouthing ‘wait here’ before following them out.

“What was that about?” Traynor asks, settling onto the sofa next to James.

“What was what about?” James answers automatically, playing with the label of his empty beer bottle.

“I noticed the Major telling you to wait. I just got a message from the Commander asking me to do the same.” Traynor dropped her head back onto the sofa. “I just want to take a shower, have a nap, and get started on the intel we need for Earth. There’s so much to do.”

“I think they want us to blow off some steam, Sam.” James answers. “This is kind of a party, after-all.”

“Sure, Jimmy.” Traynor says with a shrug. “But why?”

“Big question, Traynor. You sure you want to have that discussion?” James sure doesn’t, but he’s learned that if someone needs to, they need to. Keeping it in is what makes a soldier lose it, and they need Traynor, not to mention he actually likes her.

“No… I’m pretty sure I know why. It’s an awful thing, and awful to be glad to be at this point. At least I don’t have to go… I’m sorry.” She gives him a small smile, putting her drink on the table and turning to face him. “You’re being too nice, Jimmy Vega. I can see why the Commander and the Major like you do much.”

“We’re all marines, we get it.” Vega shrugged her comment off. “And what can I say, I’m a fun guy to have around at parties.”

“I remember.” Traynor laughed. “I heard Shepard and Kaidan discussing… biotic tug of war? With you as the rope? She seemed pretty sure he’d do it. All I’m saying,” she added, lowering her voice, “is that I’ve played chess with both of them. I might have some tips for you, if you’re interested.”

“Chess isn't really my game, Sam. I’m more about biotiball, or basketball if it’s me doing the playing.”

“Right.” Traynor answered. “You seem like a team sports kind of guy.” she added, reaching for her drink. “Listen, do you mind terribly if I use you as a human pillow? Don’t take this personally, but these sofas are terrible for relaxing, and all your biceps do for me is appear to be fantastic pillows.”

“Well, since you asked so nice.” James laughed, lifting his arm. “You’ve had a long day and earned a comfy rest. Least I could do for a crewmate.” he assented as Traynor made herself comfy. Snagging a couple of beers from a passing ensign, James amused himself and Traynor with stories about the people he met hanging out with the refugees and playing cards while they waited for their CO to recall them to duty.

Which Shepard does just as Sam’s nodding off onto James’ arm, and he on her head. “Come guys, wake up. Even if you are too cute, and could have taken seventeen more snaps of you two.” She smiles and shakes James’ free arm.

“What’s up Commander?” James asks, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as Traynor sits up.

“Afterparty, Vega. I owe you a drink, right?”

“Snaps?” Traynor asks, stretching herself awake.

“I took a few. Couldn’t resist.” Shepard quipped in mock apology. “Come on, Kaidan’s collecting the rest of us from the cargo bay.” Shepard directed, making her way over to the bar and looking over the edge. “I see everyone’s being well behaved. I expected a lot less to be left, after I cleared it with Hackett to let the crew have at the booze.”

“There wasn’t an announcement or anything.” James said as he joined her at the bar. “Can I give you a hand with any of that?”

“Of course.” Shepard replied, handing him the first of several bottles. “We’ve got eighteen hours to Sol. I figure twelve hours of liberty..”

“You’re the Commander, Commander.” James answers, his arms full of liquor bottles. “This is a lot of booze, Shepard.”

“Will I get any sleep between now and Earth?” Traynor takes a few of the bottles from James. “I assume we are traveling with this?”

“My cabin, Traynor. And yes, I wasn’t including the mission prep - Charon to Earth should be plenty of time. Twentyfour hours ‘til Earth. Twelve liberty, six down, and six prep, then we’re at endgame. We’re not dying for want of a working gun - no matter what kind.” Shepard finishes over her shoulder as she leads them out of the lounge.

“That sounds like a quote Commander. Is it from a vid?” Traynor asks from the rear.

“Yes and no.” Shepard answers as she bumps into elevator interface, calling it down. “Something Kaidan told me, before Ilos. Long story… maybe I’ll tell it tonight.”

The door opens on Shepard’s empty cabin and Shepard leads them in, announcing “Welcome to the Shepard-free zone. New rule.” she explained as the covered her desk with the bottles, making an impromptu bar. “Hi, I’m Tellan.” she said to Traynor, extending her hand.

“Samantha, Sam.” Traynor responded as she shook Shep-Tellan’s hand, catching on. “Nice to meet you, Tellan.”

“James?” Tellan asked, turning to him.

“Sure thing, Tel’, but I still like Lola.’” he answers, earning him another one of her smiles. Something, he was learning, he would like to try to get used to, and never succeed at.

Kaidan and the rest of the party isn’t far behind them, pouring out of the elevator rowdy and mid-way through a story about Garrus shooting a guy who had a gun to a doc’s head. Everyone grabs a drink and spreads out across the cabin, James ending up on the foot of Shepard’s bed, across from a canoodling Tali and Garrus.

“Where’s everyone else?” Tellan asks Kaidan, scanning the assembled group and popping open something blue and glowy as she climbs on the bed behind James, boots and all.

“Ah, well.” Kaidan began. “Daniels had Donnelly halfway down to the subdeck before I finished saying the word ‘liberty’, much less the invitation. Adams declined, and locked engineering behind him when he went up to the crew deck - where I found him visiting with Doctor Chakwas, who preemptively handed me this,” he continued, holding up the bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy. “And Javik just said no, and something about pheromones. I… didn’t pursue the subject.”

“And Joker and EDI?” she asks once she’s settled in cross-legged on the bed.

“Dinner with Hackett, oddly enough.” Kaidan shrugs. “Joker was looking pretty green about it.”

“Why would…? Know what, never mind.” Tellan waves off her own question. “Sounds like a long story.”

“It’s, uh, probably my fault, Lola.” James admitted. “I was talking up EDI when I was ‘entertaining’ Hackett. May have let a few more details slip than strictly necessary.”

“Strictly, huh?” Tellan teased, shoving his shoulder. “Sounds like you outed them to the brass, that’s not nice Vega.”

“I didn’t mean to, Lola. Listen… I’ll buy the guy a beer… the next chance we get.”

“Or several,” Kaidan answered, settling onto the empty sofa by the fishtank. “Hackett can be old-fashioned…”

“He’s not going to make a thing about EDI and Joker, is he?” Steve asked from his spot between Liara and Samantha on the other half of Tellan’s couch.

“All I’m saying is that when the brass got wind of me and Tel’, on the SR-1,” he paused, shooting a look at Tellan, “I got tag-teamed by Hackett and Anderson before they sent us back out after the Geth. My guess is Joker’s up for some of the same.”

“Wait, what?” Tellan shot up to her knees, putting her hand on James’ shoulder for balance. “When was this? They did what?”

And that’s how the theme for the night is set. They tell stories. Stories about growing up across the galaxy, finding similarities they hadn’t know were there. Stories about the SR-1, including the Wizard of Oz movie night, which Tali took over after an introduction by Kaidan, seeing as how it was she who identified with Glinda the Good Witch, giving Tellan the information she needed to continue her mission, and how she nominated each member of the crew as a character from the vid. Liara cops to the Tin Man, Garrus to Scarecrow, but Kaidan keeps mum - he just won’t say. James wants to, but doesn’t push the issue; he’s been itching to find a good nickname for him, but he lets the subject move on. When everyone is distracted by Steve telling a story about a typical night out with James on Fehl, Tellan leans forward and into James ear whispers. “Not a word, Jimmy, but it was Toto, the dog.” She nudges her body into his shoulder “I could tell you were dying to know, but you were so nice to not push.” she whispers again before falling back with a giggle.

Eventually, Tellan is prevailed upon to tell the story of Elysium - something she hasn't done, for anybody, not even Kaidan. She holds the floor for more that half an hour as she paces between the bed and the steps, talking with her hands, keeping the tone light but keeping enough detail that it’s obvious the subject is anything but. She ends with a joke, plopping down on the sofa next to Kaidan.

“And the worst part was, after all of that, no one ever wanted to buy me a drink as an excuse to ask me to dance.” she lets out a huff, but she and Kaidan share a look that gets Sam’s attention.

“I sense another story there, Kaidan.” she coos, rubbing her hands together. “Is there a meet-cute we have yet to hear about?”

“Not really,” he shrugs as he rises as strides to the bar, returning with a set of bottles. He goes to hand one of the bottles to Tellan, but switches hands as she reaches for it and pulls her, laughing, back onto her feet, and waltzes her around the room to the delight of the small, vocal, crowd.

With a deft move, he turns her in front of her seat and lets her down, and taking a slight bow, shrugged and explained. “I bought the Hero of Elysium a beer once; asked her to dance; she said yes.”

“Good man,” James saluted him. “I just came right out and asked her once.. but ya know.”’

“You asked me to spar, and I wiped the floor with you James.” Tellan corrected, taking a long drink.

“That a challenge Shepard? Don’t let the scars fool ya, I’ve got some moves.” James countered with what he hoped was a cocky smile.

“So?” Kaidan asks. “Ask her dance James.”

“What Maj - Kaidan?” James asks.

“Ask her to dance.” Kaidan says again. “If you’re up for it.”

“Why not?” James answers, rising to his feet. It might not be the nerves, he’s had a few, James makes himself believe it’s the drink making him a bit light headed. He holds his hand out to Tellan. “Care to do a turn?”

She smiles up at him from the couch. “Buy me a drink.” she answers.

“You already have a drink.” he counters.

Tellan downs the rest of the bottle in her hand, and lets it drop to the floor. “Buy me a drink… James.”

James goes up the steps, catching Samantha’s eye as she follows him with her gaze, her grin wider than it’s been all night - like when she was able to tell them where Kai Leng ran to after Thessia. Like she’s figured something out, and James can only hope she’s the only one. When he walks back, he tries to focus on Tellan, but notices Steve whispering into Liara’s ear. He pushes it aside, and offering the bottle asks again. “Care for a dance?”

“Sure, why not?” Tellan asks him airily, taking the bottle and handing it off to Kaidan. She takes his offered hand and they arrange themselves, arm out, her hand on his waist, his on her shoulder.

“What dance will this be, James?” she asks.

“Hadn’t thought that far, Lola. I, uh, don’t actually know how to dance, you know - dance, dance.”

“Faking it until you make it, Mister Vega?” Steve asks, with the rest of the peanut gallery adding in a low ‘ohhhhhhh’ at the jibe.

_And where did a bunch of aliens learn to do that?_

“What do you know?” Tellan asks, bringing an answer to James’ mind as well as bringing his attention back around to her.

“This” he tells her, adjusting his hands slightly and dropping her into the lowest dip he can manage. He expects her to stiffen, to lock up, to put a hand out to catch herself, but she just lets him catch her. Their outstretched hands come free of one another, hers goes to his shoulder, holding on, his between her shoulder blade, holding her up, and she arches into him, and the air rushes out of both their lungs.

“Hi.” She says when they are face to face and her torso nearly parallel to the floor. “That was fun. What now?”

He’s feeling a rush of adrenaline, she’s so close, and that smile… He slides his hand from her back and puts his finger to her lips, she pulls slightly closer as she stiffens her back to hold herself up. “Don’t tell Kaidan I said,” he whispers, before kissing his own finger, maintaining the barrier between his lips and hers. “Just tell him you’d say yes if you would.”

He pulls them up before he can gauge her reaction. Tellan does a lazy pirouette towards Kaidan and lands on him in a graceless heap, wiping her hair away from her face. She takes the now opened drink back from Kaidan and, toasting James, says “Thanks for the dance, Jimmy. Let’s see what you got after you’ve learned a few steps.”

“It’d be something to see.” Kaidan adds, stealing the drink back with his smug grin poorly concealed by ducking behind Tellan’s head.

James doesn’t realize he’s just standing there, watching them, until Tali clears her throat and mentions she still has The Wizard of Oz saved on her omni-tool. Tellan mentions she can drop a shutter on the fishtank, and the conversation restarts. Vega swoops back to his spot back onto the bed, looking around to see if anyone noticed.

Samantha is leaning back on the sofa, her arms crossed, and nods to him, one eyebrow raised, when he catches her eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the reference is to the 1939 version of The Wizard of Oz  
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wizard_of_Oz_(1939_film)


	4. *say it!*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> late night discussions are the best/worst

James wakes all at once - one the few military traits all of the training that’s worked its way into his head over the years. That doesn’t mean, however, that he’s all there when he does, especially when he’s been drinking. That he remembers. A vid, a movie, old, Tali singing… and then he remembers where he is.

He sits up in the dark, slowly, he’s not alone in the bed. He goes through his checklist.

Pants… still on.

Shirt… still on.

Credit chit… the wallet’s still in his pocket.

That eliminates the worst possibilities (He’s never playing drinking games again, he promises whatever god is out there). 

So… who?

He’s facing away from it, but he can hear Lola’s fish tank behind him. He’s blocking most of the light, but at the edge of his shadow he sees the rise of a shoulder, still dressed in BDUs, and dark hair starting to curl.

Kaidan. Which means….

The fingers are soft against the shaved side of his head, a caress that turns into a gentle push to lower his head back to the pillow.

“Thought you’d be out longer.” Shepard whispers as James complies, turning as he does to face her. “I’m a bad influence” she teased with a smile as they resettled, face to face and horizontal, making James swallow, hard. “How wrecked are you?”

James snorts, “Ask me in a few hours. Can I ask… how this…we?”

“Too much Serrice liquor. Party had to break up when Hackett ordered a ship lockdown - Liara and Traynor had already left, Cortez too.”

“I remember that. Something about Esteban being a first class wing-man?”

“Exactly” Shepard grinned. “And Garrus could only manage carrying Tali out of here, so here we are.”

“Right…” James hedged. “I should..” he started to move to climb out of the bed.

“Nuh-uh.” Shepard scolded. “Next best option is a couch. You’re stuck here with us until mission prep. And, your commander wants you rested.”

“Thought this was a Shepard-free zone, Lola.” James countered, but he stopped moving.

“Lola wants you here too.” Shepard shrugged with one shoulder. “I mean, it’s fine, you staying. It’s just a bed, yeah?”

“This ain't exactly a bunk, Lola.” James whispers, “ And this is plenty soft, and Kaidan…”

“Kaidan what?” she asks, a challenge.

“Shit, like he doesn’t know I’m here, right? I passed out first.”

“You did.” she answers, giving him a small smile. “I’m nothing if not a gentlewoman, James. I won’t do anything untowards, unless you ask me to, maybe…”

“Right. I should, uh, let you get back to sleep. Sorry for waking you up.”

“Sure thing.” Shepard sighs, turning over and away from him.

When he hears Shepard’s breathing even out, he eases himself down the bed (a feat considering he’s still wearing his boots that grab at the covers even if he’s on top of them). He manages the stairs in the low light, and makes his way to the door, where the haptic interface screeches at him and turns red, denying him access.

“I told you,” he hears Shepard grumble from the bed, making James cringe, “lockdown. Chatter about crewmen on a couple of ships in the fleet acting strange. Lemme just… EDI?” she calls out.

“No… it’s ok.” James answers, waiving his hand ineffectually in the dark. “Bathroom.” he lies, sidling over the other door, only running into the doorframe slightly when he escapes inside. The light turns on automatically, blinding him. He leans up against the wall, eyes scrunched shut, deciding what to do. Shepard will get EDI to unlock the door, and he can escape back to the cargo bay, or… he can spend… and they’re cool with it. Kaidan and Lola basically arranged themselves around him on their bed (he’s overheard Lola correct Kaidan, its their bed). He lets out a deep breath, and with a thought to actually do the thing Shepard thought he was in here to do, he’s actually able to collect himself.

The door slides open onto near blackness with his eyes unadjusted to the dark. He takes a few steps forwards and Shepard says “Stairs.” just as his foot begins to roll off the edge of the top step. Catching himself he makes it to the edge of the bed, and finding Shepard having moved to the middle, eases himself down onto the edge, using the opportunity to remove his boots, and sinks down onto his back with a sigh. Shepard props herself up again, facing him, her face lit by the light of the fishtank.

“I can have EDI override the lockdown, James.” She repeats in a low voice. With their positions switched, he can see her face lit up by the light behind him, and he’s distracted by the sight of her like this, in bed. When he doesn’t answer she cocks her head and asks “You ok?”

“Yeah Lola, it’s just… your eyes are really… green.” he finishes lamely.

“That’s nice.” she says, looking down. “At least they’re not Christmas colored anymore.”

“Sorry?”

“Part of the Cerberus benefits package.” She explained. “The cybernetics, I used to have a case a of the crazy eyes.”

Kaidan stirred on the other side of Shepard. James peered over her, but Kaidan didn’t move again or say anything, he looked back at Shepard. “No offense Lola, your eyes are pretty crazy when you’re about go flying across the field, and especially when you come flying back at me and the Major. And um, is Kaidan, you know, alive?” he added.

Shepard gave him a little laugh. “Yeah, he’s going to be alright - took his meds finally. The good ones that make him sleep.”

This makes James sit up to meet her level. “Is Kaidan alright?”

“Just the migraines.” she answered with a shrug. “Well, just, says Kaidan. Bullshit as far as I’m concerned.”

“But he’s going to be ok?” James persisted. “You’d have to shoot him to keep him from the fight tomorrow.”

“It’s going to be what it’s going be James.” she answers. “He’ll be fine,” she adds with a sigh, “he always is.”

“Right… listen, Tel -”

“Do you think I’m real?” she interrupts him.

“Of course Lola. You’re right here in front of me.”

Shepard shakes her head at him. “You didn’t know me… before. On Cronos, the vids. I was dead. Dead dead.”

“Wicked Witch of the East dead?” he asks, remembering her sing-song in the elevator.

“Apparently.” She nods.

“Well I don’t know anyone else who could be Commander Shepard and pull it off.” he scoffs. “And Kaidan, after all that - Mars, the coup. He knows it’s you.”

“Kaidan loves me.”

“Yeah… listen.” He puts his index finger on her eyebrow. “You used to have a scar, right there. And here.” he swipes along her right cheek bone. Your hair was… browner, but I’m pretty sure that was a dye-job ‘cause your eye brows were kinda red, and they match your hair now. And, uh, your nose is straighter, but a jarhead’s nose is bound to get bent out of shape and put back a time or two. But your eyes, the look in ‘em. They’re the same. It’s you, Lola, I…”

She puts her finger to his lips, silencing him. “I said yes to Kaidan, James, but you didn’t specify the question.” She leans in and for a moment James heart stops, and she kisses the tip of his nose. “We’ll need to talk, after tomorrow, if there is an after tomorrow.”

“But sleep, now, right?” James asks, in a mostly steady breath.

“Yes. Thanks, and sorry.” she whispers as she drops her head back down onto the pillow.

“Nothing to be sorry for.” he avers as he slides back onto his back to stare out of the skylight above their heads. He hears Shepard shift, and Kaidan’s mumble when he’s finally roused by her wrapping herself around him.

“G’night, Jimmy.” she mumbles, already relaxing into unconsciousness.

“‘Night, Tel’.” he murmurs, wondering how he’s going to get any sleep.

James wakes up with a hand on his shoulder, and his eyes open on Shepard wrapped in a towel.

“Morning,” she grins, “or near enough - shower’s free.”

He blinks at her for a moment before he sits up and she moves off to gather her things.

“Hi...I’ll just, uh, head down to the crew deck.”

“We’re still in lockdown.” she answers as she picks up another pile of fabric, dropping a set of clothes next to him. I won a bet with Garrus, you and Kaidan wear the same size pants. And I may have snagged a few oversized t-shirts here and there… you’re welcome!”

James palms the tag under the fabric covering his right hip. “Did you?”

“She egged Garrus into flirting over coms with the ensign in laundry.” Kaidan answers from the couch in the corner behind James. “Tali was thrilled.” James turns back to look at Kaidan. Kaidan’s leaning back, reading a data pad, freshly shaven and dressed, and smiling absently. “We’re thirty from the Annos relay, then we’re using the now-empty Serpent… and you know. Last best chance for a hot shower, James.”

“Ok, sure. Not going to miss out on that.” James pushes himself out of the bed and using more thought than is probably necessary, tries to cross the room in an orderly, unaffected manner. Shepard is still in her towel when she and James meet at the steps. She gives him a quick grin before ducking her head and lightly giving him a hip check as they pass. It shouldn’t make him stumble, but it does, and she reaches out to steady him with a contrite look that doesn’t seem completely sincere.

And James finds himself escaping to Shepard’s bathroom, again. He stuffs the borrowed clothes onto the small counter roughly, the lack of his punching bag, or any other method of frustration relief hitting him where he lives. The galaxy always seems to give him a taste of what he wants just before everything goes to hell. He knows it’s foolish, but he takes a bit of satisfaction in throwing his clothes across the room as he disrobes, and slapping the controls of the shower to turn it on. Because they’re not talking about it, but its not just him, he can tell now. The conversations, the tags, this fucking night… and this is all they’re going to get.

And, the thing that burns is that it’s the right thing to do, he admits to himself as he wipes his cheeks under the spray of the shower. There are more important things burning down in the galaxy, and if they had to pick, if he got to pick…

He wouldn’t say anything either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really one for listening to music while I write. Inspiration really hit when this gem came up.
> 
> Thief - Our Lady Peace
> 
> http://youtu.be/-Uo_0fozJoU
> 
> If the link doesn't work - it's Track 07 on their album "Happiness is Not a Fish You can Catch"


	5. ...pation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Kaidan, at what may be the end of the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this ship sailed - but language. Also, injuries are mentioned, nothing too gory, but it's war, eh?
> 
> Also - the song of the day is Zoe Keating's "Legion (War)"
> 
> http://youtu.be/AlhkwHSZMyg *note: the song is only 6 min long, the video is 9 (idk)

The Reapers hit Earth on a Tuesday morning. Today, James doesn't even know what day it is. He had an app on his omni tool that would track it for him, but that’s long been replaced by a program that tracks the water and caloric needs of the squad, so they can coordinate meals groundside without any more incidents. Like the one when Kaidan puked when James _might_ have exploded a Cerberus trooper onto him, then passed out twenty minutes later from the electrolyte imbalance. Or the earlier one when Scars picked up a levo ration during prep and didn’t say anything and went eighteen hours without eating. And he’d be fucked if he had to say what time it was as they dropped onto London. That app went along with a ton more to make room for tracking the biotic amps on the ground; Doc practically forced that one on him during their first stop on the Citadel.

“Because they need looking after too.” had been her cryptic response as she took him by the wrist and began checking his omni-tool. She’d practically rebuilt it standing there in the embassy lobby, waiting for Shepard to leave Udina’s office - then left when she was done, before Shepard had emerged. She’d specced in names  
he’d only heard murmured over hand-offs of classified files, Taylor, Lawson, Krios, Samara, Jack, one that had a bit of play in the news, Urdnot Wrex. But at the top was Shepard and Kaidan, and her own name. If he owes her a beer for every time that app made a difference, he’s going to have to pay for the bar at her bonding ceremony, even if he’ll have to write it into his will.

Because its gives confirmation that the sonic boom coming from the general direction of Shepard’s last charge is effective contact and the Banshee screech is a death knell for it and not her. Because he’s smarter than he thought and learned to read the data to be able to manipulate the battlefield to take pressure off of Kaidan’s amp. Because he’s needed it today more than he has at any point during the war. This isn’t a mission, this is just war, killing for space. While the Normandy has been jumping in and out, getting what needs to be done squared away, the rest of the Alliance, the galaxy, has been doing this. Slowly losing, buying time, moving war machines to delay the inevitable while Shepard did the impossible. And here they need the war machine, have to play part of it, to even have a chance to play Big Damn Heroes.

So shit feels pretty fucking surreal standing in the FOB, after losing visuals on both of them amid the Hades cannons going off and Esteban getting shot down. That’s when he... Shepard screamed for Esteban thru coms, and Cortez answered, and James’ omni pinged a notice that Alenko was running his amp red-hot. And now he’s just standing here, and everyone’s fine - not everyone, almost no one - everyone he has headspace to care about is fine, and very soon they’re going to throwing themselves back into the machine.

This is Earth, home, where he’s been wanting to get back to since that god-forsaken Tuesday morning. And it’s not… home, just the war they’ve been running from and into again and again. This is what’s turning in his gears when Shepard finds him, and she picks up on it with him just saying “Hey Commander.” But this isn’t the ‘after,’ this is the ‘now’. She needs him ready to fight, and he needs to be ready to have any chance to see that ‘after’ - for any of them to, so they keep that distance, and he keeps it short. He can see Kaidan, standing across the street turned fortified courtyard, restless, and how many times have they had to say goodbye? He sends her off with a cocky grin and manages one last ‘Lola’.

It will take him years to figure out if this was an act of love, as much for her as himself, and he doesn’t have that kind of time.

He’s pretty sure he can tell what’s happening between them, even if he can’t hear it - he can’t not watch. When it seems like they’re done and she’s about to leave, when Kaidan reels her back in and lays one on her, he can’t help the surge of pride that turns into a lump into his throat. Good Man, Kaidan. Then she’s out of view, behind what’s gotta be the last set of operable electronic doors in London, and James’ coms click in.

“Got anywhere to be?” Kaidan asks?

James starts walking as he answers, “Just that fucking beam with you and Lola. You?”

“Let me introduce you to some people.” James hears Kaidan’s voice flange in his head, the slight delay from the com overlapping with his voice in person, having already set out to meet James half-way. Kaidan turns when they meet, and James falls into step alongside, neither speaking while Kaidan fiddles with his omni-tool. When James is just about to ask ‘what people?’ they round a corner into an alley full of soldiers sacked out and drinking juice like its nap time after, well, a battle with an unstoppable force.

Kaidan doesn’t even announce his presence, much less his rank. He just says “Hey Johnson,” to some kid with a shiner on one eye, a patch over the other, and in a half a minute the Major is swarmed. Most of them are barely more than kids (which, James supposes, makes sense, given the math involved in human biotics), and they are desperately glad to see ‘Teach’ or ‘Hey Major A’. A few twitch their arms like they want something, and after a sideways glance at James, Kaidan pulls a couple into crushing hugs. He releases each with a repetition of their name and rank, a reminder, pushing them back into being soldiers, gently. A few others are already pulling themselves upright, pulling that crisp salute you save for when you want approval, confirmation you’ve done good. _Comandante_ does not disappoint, thirty guys (including the lady guys), and he knows all of them, _knows them_ , talks them up as he introduces each of them in turn. James doesn’t catch it at first, being too busy watching Kaidan’s guys react, but he’s talking up James too, to the best and brightest the Alliance has, and some of that shine in their eyes gets shifted in his direction.

 _Isn’t that something to live up to?_ No wonder the Major spent all that time tracking down his squads.

Kaidan doesn’t ask the Johnson kid, a corporal, if he’s still got that eye; does order him to the medics to get it looked at, again, sending him on his way. A couple soldiers start asking questions, some directed at James, which Kaidan manages to turn into a damned teaching moment, going over methods of combining biotics and conventional combat techniques - telling stories about how ‘LT here’ saved his ass in the field. It’d be pedantic in any other setting, but here? There isn’t a set of glazed over eyes in the bunch. Another voice, from the back, tentatively asks if the Major will be taking over command of the company, finally.

Another buzz in his ear overrides hearing Kaidan’s answer, Scars, telling him that Shepard’s just come through and it looks the it’s coming pretty close to it. He taps his ear when Kaidan gives him a glance, confirmation they both heard the update. James steps to the side to respond to Garrus as Kaidan wraps it up with his guys.

“She’d tell you what you’d be going?” James asks him when he’s out of the circle that’s taking its time releasing Kaidan.

“Covering the deployment with the black widow, then playing politician back on the Normandy. And that’s if things go _well_."

“I’m guessing those were her words?” James teases, “Endless enemies to headshot sounds more like your ideal.”

“You’re not wrong Jimmy Vega.” Garrus pauses. “Listen…” he starts again. “Soldiers like us don’t have a lot of friends that’ll get this... Get her through to the end, or you two will have to answer to me.”

“Understood, Vakarian, and maybe you’ll live up to your so-called bad ass rep after this and be able to talk shit to my face.”

“Only if you live up to yours first, Vega.” Garrus says with a chuckle. “I’ll see you two at command. Garrus out.”

“Wait just a second.” Kaidan cuts in, having pulled himself away. “You do know the same applies to Tali, right?”

“Word is that Tali’s going to be surrounded by the best _platforms_ the geth have to offer.” Garrus counters. “She’s going to as safe as safe gets today. Your girl…”

“ _Will be fine_.” Tali cuts into the transmission. “Kaidan and James will see to it. She’s here, at command. Are you coming or not?”

“We’re on our way.” Kaidan answers for them, and with a final wave and a tittering of good lucks directed at both of them. A female voice practically shouts “Go get ‘em Alekno, LT”, which makes Kaidan freeze for several seconds, before he glances at James and shakes it off. “Nothing” he says, pre-empting James’ question.

Their pace is deliberate, but they’re not rushing - as much to avoid the rubble as conservce energy (wouldn’t that impress Shepard, busting up on rubble before getting a step outside of the FOB). This is their last chance to say… anything, goodbye really. James takes it.

“Shepard said yes.”

“Yeah, sorry?” Kaidan responds automatically, turning his head to James.

“Last night. She told me she said yes, but that I didn’t specify the question.”

“Is that what you two were doing, when you did that… thing?” Kaidan asked, pantomiming James’ dipping Shepard with his arms.

“Yeah. You didn’t propose, did you?”

“Not exactly.” Kaidan shrugged. “I guess we just ran out of time to… you know.”

They were getting close to the building, and sensing this was going to be his last chance, James went for it. “It was about me, wasn’t it? I did get between you two, but it wasn’t a bad thing, is it?”

Kaidan lets out a long sigh, and stops short of the entryway to the building. “Yeah… it’s not… a bad thing, at all. But, we’re selfish, and trying not to be.” He shrugged. “Two days left, and putting it on you? We wanted to enjoy what time we had, and not make things… strange.”

James offers his hand. “Understood, _Comandante_.” When Kaidan takes his hand, James leans in slightly, not getting to close, stopping when Kaidan’s eyes meet his. “And I get it, Kaidan. It’s alright. Just, don’t forget in the After, ok?”

Kaidan pulls James’ hand in, so the back of his gloved knuckles press against Kaidan’s chest, just below the Spectre Logo. “As soon as we get there.” he promised.  
And it’ll have to be enough, James decides, as they step back, into the Before, and head inside.

They stick together, saying their last few goodbyes; Liara hugs them, Javik nods, Garrus and Tali call out from their corner, EDI smiles. They take their place at Shepard’s six, and walk into hell one last time. When they get to the end, looking over the ridge at the no man’s land between their last stand and the conduit, discarding their helmets and breathing their fill of fetid air before they’ll burn their lungs with the last of humanity's hope, it will still have to be enough.


	6. The World, Exploded: Kaidan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last, mad, dash.  
> Short and not-so sweet, I'm afraid.

All things being equal, Kaidan knows Alliance soldiers all run about the same speed - the gene mods compensating for any deficits and accounting for an overall average improvement across the board. Tellan Shepard, as is her way, surpasses average. She’s out ahead of Kaidan and James, outstripping them in moments. Kaidan is watching her, just in front of her, as best he can. He is definitely not watching her hair fly back as she eats ground beneath her, or her eyes when she’s slowing herself down looking back, making sure they’re both still there.

How fast could she be going? How much is she holding herself back? Harbinger is taking potshots at them, killing everything _around_ Shepard. A blast sears his peripheral vision sending him to his left as James is veering right, avoiding an obstacle Kaidan couldn’t even try to make out. They catch themselves before they fully collide, hands momentarily grasping at bodies before they push off, eyes meeting involuntarily, instinctively, before turning away, looking for Shepard.

Then the concussion sounds too close, and the shadow falls over them. He even has time to look ahead, confirm Tellan is still in front of them, already clear of the tank that comes crashing down. _And of course it’s a goddamn MAKO - shit._

There’s a crunch as it lands, a fuel cells blows too close, and at the time he doesn’t realize that it's _him_ crunching. He thinks he hears his name from two directions, and then she’s there, above him. _She went the wrong way - back for him. Again._

_She had promised she would do as much two nights ago, wearing his favorite t-shirt and dog-tags; straddling his thigh and leaning against his chest. “There’s us.” she had explained, pressing a finger into his chest, “And Us.” she added, drawing a circle, including James the with the second ‘us’. “I won’t leave one of you behind again. I couldn’t leave you then… I can’t.” He’d reassured her with a kiss to the temple, but what promises could he make?_

That’s what he’s thinking about, ghosts of Virmire, when he hears Shepard yell for James to take Kaidan from her. _She’s not choosing between us, she’s choosing Us_ , he thinks, almost sure his handle on things is slipping. So he fights, then he begs, and gives in to her reassurances without promises.

He watches her watch the Normandy until the cargo bay door closes, and whatever was holding him up leaves him. James is saying… something… and his vision starts to grey around the edges. James grips tightens around him, and he gives himself over to being drawn further into the ship.

And… she’s gone.


	7. The World, Exploded: James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James - the scramble in-between

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blood/Injury warning, also cursing.

The shuttle bay was a loud and dirty mass of confusion, and for a moment, James froze. It felt a lot like the last time he had escaped Earth on the Normandy, and James had fared better the first time. It had happened too quickly to react with anything more than instinct, running behind Shepard, killing himself trying not to bite it by Reaper. Shit just went wrong. He had to swerve to avoid a corpse he didn’t notice until he was on top of it. Then he had almost collided with Kaidan, and the look in Kaidan's eyes when they brushed against each other...  _how had he and Lola made it through without going loco?_  

Almost simultaneously his shields failed and he felt the hit, shrapnel, in his side, hard. But that was nothing compared to the mako about to take them all out. He and Kaidan flung themselves in opposite directions; James got the lucky break, Kaidan didn’t. Then the tank blew, and the world got fuzzy and weirdly quiet.

The only thing to do was fall back on his training, do his job, follow his CO’s orders. He knew they were arguing, Tel’ and Kaidan, but Kaidan was leaning on him like he couldn’t stand on his own and keeping him up is the best James could do; until the bay door starts to close and his senses start coming back. Then he realizes that they’ve left Shepard behind, and that Kaidan is fading, fast.

“Come on, Kaidan, we gotta get you up to Chakwas, ASAP.” He grunts, shifting Kaidan’s weight to better steer him to the elevator. Kaidan manages to keep his feet under himself, but all the forward momentum is coming from James. They only manage a few step before some cabrón with a hose steps in front of their path.

“You need to DeCon, sir.” Vega doesn’t see any insignia, no reason to listen to the guy, even if he’s only doing his job. Before he decides whether to pull rank, Cortez comes jogging up, his eyes darting between James and Kaidan.

“I’ve got this.” he tells the kid, taking the hose. “I got picked up with another squad of stranded volunteers - we’ve been keeping them busy.” he explains. “But we really should get the worst of it off…” he trails off, looking at Kaidan.

“Do it Esteban, but fast, yeah?” James assents. “Just watch Kaidan’s leg, I think a mako landed on it.”

Cortez is spraying as soon as ‘do it’ was uttered, and James starts at the red water pooling at his feet. Forcing himself to look up, Cortez offers him a towel. He accepts it as Cortez moves to Kaidan, wiping the soot and blood from his face, revealing an alarmingly pale countenance beneath it.

“We gotta go! Kaidan’s gonna bleed out right here, and Shepard’ll kill me if he dies in the cargo bay.” James starts moving again without waiting for a response.

“Is she not onboard?” Cortez asks, looking around as he slips under Kaidan’s arm, taking some of the weight off of James. “We’re here on her orders.”

Kaidan groans at the jostling, but James leads the three of them through the cargo bay as fast as he can manage. “Her orders were for us to get us out of there. She’s gone on ahead to finish this.” James says, his jaw clenching to hold the rising wave of self-recrimination down. _If he hadn’t run into Kaidan. They’d still be with her_. He forces himself back into the moment, about what needs to done - getting Kaidan to the Medbay, himself too by the feel of his ribs protesting against the extra weight. “E-” his voice locks on itself, “EDI,” he restarts, brusquely and not quite loud enough. “EDI, can you get the lift?”

“It is already waiting, James.” EDI voice pipes in from somewhere. “I will open the doors now.”

  
Cortez slides out from under Kaidan’s arm as they enter the lift, and steps behind him and James. “Gotta take care of these.” he says, and James feels the weight of his weapons lift as they disengage from the rack.

“Heh, watch the Piranha, Esteban.” James attempts to sound light unconcerned. “Shepard gave me that, wouldn’t want it to get scratched.”

“I’m just setting it down here in the lift.” Steve says, gently turning Kaidan to get better access to the Lancer. “They shouldn’t even be in the lift. But…”

“Yeah… Hey _Comandante_ , Kaid, you still with us?” James asks, wary of shaking him any further.

Kaidan takes a deep breath (letting James release his), “Yeah…not really. Tel -”

“Shepard’s gonna be fine, Kaidan.” James assures him, ignoring the instinct to hedge. “We’ll just need to swing ‘round and pick her up after she’s won the war.”

Kaidan only sighs painfully and leans further into James. Cortez looks at James and mouths the words “ _Who’s in charge_?”

 _Mierda - I am,_ James remembers, with Shepard off ship and Kaidan not even able to keep his eyes open. _I cannot fuck this up_. “EDI - who’s on board?” he asks.

“Officer Vakarian and Lieutenant Traynor are on the bridge. As are Jeff and my mobile platform. Doctor T’Soni is in her quarters conducting operations. All crewmen are accounted for.” EDI answers.

“Javik and Tali?” James asks again.

“Admiral vas Normandy is aboard a Geth destroyer, with Admiral Raan. Javik is… unaccounted for. He fell off my sensors shortly after Hammer deployed; deliberately, I believe.”

“Damn Javik,” James sighs. “Nothing we can do about him. Keeps tabs on Tali will ya?” The door to the Crew Deck open and crewmen are already waiting to assist Kaidan and James to the Medbay. “Start clearing the shuttle bay - if Joker has to do anything fancy, nothing’s stowed and we don’t need anyone getting hurt because my weights took them out” he directed at Cortez, who nods and steps back into the lift. “And EDI… tell Vakarian he’s got final go ahead to redeploy to rendezvous when the call comes through.” he finishes.

 _I won’t, can't, be the one who leaves her behind_. And James knows he’s shit for doing it, even as he crosses the threshold into the Medbay, putting it on Garrus. Even as Garrus responds _(Understood Vega, and I get it_ ). Even as he swept up in the crowded room’s urgent energy and Chakwas slaps something on his back, steps around him and presses a sticky pad onto Kaidan’s chest plate even as she’s stepping away to another patient; a suit diagnostic reader that immediately flashes red and DATA NOT FOUND, making James flinch.

Kaidan stirs once he’s on his back on a gurney, flailing an arm and asking for Shepard.

James grabs the flailing hand, and steps closer to the gurney. “Hey, hey… Lola’s winning the war, right? Still with me there? It’s… ok. Chakwas will patch ya’ up.” He squeezes Kaidan’s hand. “Then we’ll pick Lola up and she’ll be even more famous, and won’t have any use for us than to stand around looking pretty…”

He stops when he see Chakwas approaching with a syringe. “I need you to remove your armor, lieutenant.” she instructions without preamble.

James stares at her. “I’m not that bad, Kaidan…”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with Kaidan" she interrupts. "His suit diagnostics have failed, yours indicate three broken ribs, which if you put much more strain on, after hauling the Major up here, can result in even more damage and a punctured lung - which can still kill you.” Chakwas chides him. “If I give you this your fractures will be stable in fifteen minutes and you can help keep Kaidan calm so I don’t have to sedate him.”

“Sedate him?” he asks, already removing the armor.

“Standard procedure with biotics that are conscious. If he gets agitated and accidentally lets a nova go… I can’t take that risk here,” Chakwas explains, looking around at the packed Medbay, “but it’s a risk for Kaidan, without his suit read-out, until I can do a proper scan.” Chakwas eyes Kaidan. “What happened? And Sh - the Commander?”

“Mako landed on us - mostly Kaidan.” James’ chest plate drops to floor. “Through the suit ok?” he asks, turning his injured side to her. She nods and presses the syringe against his undersuit. “Lola’s on the Citadel by now…” he groans through the injection, leaning on Kaidan’s gurney for support. “She didn’t come with.” He can feel the nanites knitting his bones together, it’s not great, but it beats a punctured lung.

Chakwas doesn’t respond to his answer, just casts an appraising gaze over Kaidan. “Get his armor off. I’ll be back with the equipment I need. Keep him calm, Lieutenant.” She orders as she presses through the bodies moving around them, away from James and Kaidan.

“Yes ma’am.” he affirms, turning to Kaidan and starting work on the removing the armor. He goes for the more obviously injured right leg first, figuring the doc will need to get to that pretty quick. He’s not prepared for the sheer amount of blood that pours out from Kaidan’s armor once he’s pulled a boot off, bright red and immediately puddling at his feet, and he retches. _No no no no no._

This rouses Kaidan again, whose flailing connects with James’ arm as he tries to sit up.. “James s’all there?” he slurs the words together, squinting his eyes to focus on James.

Jams forces himself to look down again. That was too much blood, and him still talking, _breathing_. With a steadying breath, he evaluates the puddle at his feet. Red, yes, but also… medigel, already separating out, a lot of it, probably all he had, which meant he’s been bleeding out while he fucked around with DeCon. He catches Kaidan’s hand on the third try. “Yeah, just your armor’s fucked. Medigel s’all - mostly. Sorry I wussed out like that. Listen, I got to get your armor off so Chakwas can fix you. You gotta stay relaxed until she gets back, alright?”

“Sure.. sure..” he sighs, leaning back and closing his eyes. He lifts his hand again, this time pressing the heel of his palm into his eye socket. “If she dies... while I’m here…”

James pulls off Kaidan’s chest plate, and he can’t help but grimace at how completely fucked the seals are. _And Lola thought their armor was thrashed after Cronos_. “You and me both, Kaidan - but I’d say we’re due a break. She’ll… get it done.”

“She’s died for less.” Kaidan says, his voice thick. “You…”

“I gotta deal with what’s in front of me right now.” James interrupts him. “And that’s you, understood?” He pulls Kaidan’s last piece of armor off, the gauntlet on his left hand, and finally sinking onto an errant crate a crewman had shoved their direction, James lifts Kaidan’s fingers to his lips and sighs into them.

Kaidan doesn’t say anything, but James can tell he’s hurting, the way he’s holding still trying not to breathe too hard. A little flare of annoyance at Chakwas rises in James’ chest - of course Kaidan would keep it together, when doesn't he? And what the hell is taking her so long? He can’t do anything about Shepard, but he can -

Chakwas says his name behind him the same time EDI announces the Catalyst has fired. Vakarian’s voice over the coms, telling Joker they have to go, _without her_ , remains unsaid, and Chakwas steps around James, declaring her intention to work through the jump. Kaidan’s waited long enough. Time does that funny hop back and forth in James’ stomach is does every time they jump the network, and for the first time James is sure he can actually feel the universe bend.


	8. The World, Exploded: Shepard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard, the Citadel, a keeper.

Tellan wakes up.

This means she isn’t dead.

At least she’s pretty sure - she doesn’t remember _being_ dead, the last time.

And it _hurts_.

It’s not the worst pain she’s ever felt ( _fuck changing ammo mods mid-mission, fuck you Gunny, and fuck that medal too_ ). But it hurts everywhere, and she can’t really move. Testing her body, she takes inventory; she can breathe, move her head ( _not smart, but nothing snaps, so..._ ), and her right arm, even if it’s really heavy. Then she opens her eyes.

Her face is six inches away from rubble that’s hanging over her, and a soft orange glow is reflecting back off its dark surface. She lifts her arm to see what process is running on her omnitool, and the light doesn’t shift with her arm, but with her head. _The cybernetics… shit - I must be fu-_

Shepard feels a solid grip close around both of her ankles and pull, starting to drag her toward itself as she futilely tries to flail and kick at the unknown thing that has ahold of her. As soon as she senses light and seems to have her head clear of rubble, she picks her head up, expecting a husk, or a marauder. Instead, it’s a keeper, dirty and its little scarf askew, but a keeper all the same.

She’s still on the citadel. And… _shitfuck they put bodies in the protein vats… Tellan Shepard you will MOVE your ass and not_ … the keeper lets her go. It nudges her a little, rolling her limbs so they’re at a more natural angle. There’s a noise behind her, and she can just crane her head backwards enough to see the pile of rubble collapse as another keeper prods it with a tiny arm.

Oh.

She twists her head back around to ‘her’ keeper, who is hovering near her side, silent as keepers always are. “Uh, thanks…” she said aloud, wincing at the scrape of her vocal cords. The keeper rotates with a shuffle and stalks off to who knows where, and Shepard is left to her own devices.

She starts by looking up, and sees the stars, and the remnants of the battle, with only the thin purple-blue of a mass effect field shimmering with every collision with debris, between her and it. The burning ships have long since gone dark, their oxygen burned up or dispersed in the vacuum, and only visible by the light from Sol reflecting off dead hulls. She scans the lights she can see, confirming they’re all Alliance- because that’s they all are, now, one Alliance against the-

It crashes into her, starting at her stomach and washing up through her head and down to her toes. _We did it, we did it and it’s over and they’ll live and…_ she wants to scream with happiness and throw up, and it comes out as an unhinged laugh that jerks what little of her body she can still operate. Tellan Shepard, the erstwhile footballer from no-where Mindoir, who turned out to be a pretty good soldier, _defeated the god-damned Reapers with a pistol, a busted hardsuit, and her righteous indignation._

Just as quick as it came - the euphoria turns into a crack of pain through her head, making her curl her chin into her shoulder and bring her hand to her forehead, smearing a warm wet feeling across her face. Forcing a few controlled breaths, mimicking one of Kaidan’s techniques, she uncurls herself and brings her hand up for inspection. It’s bloody, of course, and still fresh. Having no idea how long she was out, or really how long it’s been since she’d gotten Kaidan and James safe and gotten herself blasted by Harbinger’s beam, and considering all that’s followed… she’s in trouble.

It’s not an unexpected turn of events, and a perverse part of her mind notes that at least it’ll be a novel experience, not like being spaced at all, bleeding out. Still, she would have liked to kiss Kaidan again, or kissed James at all. She would have loved to been able to tell Traynor that Anderson had always been retrofitting the Normandy for her, and not as a mobile command post for himself - why else did he staff three lieutenants who lived through Collector attacks, for a _retrofit_? She found the wound on her shoulder and pressed down, hard. She shouldn’t have missed that shot on the Citadel skyway. Tali will always have her hands full with Garrus, a little humility wouldn’t have hurt the guy. Should have encouraged Sam and Liara more - the insanity those two will be able to achieve when they put their heads together. And since she’s wishing for things she can’t have anyway, she wishes she could have her brother back - he would have fallen for Steve so _hard_ , and in her book Steve would have deserved him just for bringing Teague to mind in a way that didn’t hurt. Shepard choked on a laugh, mindful of the fluid building up in her chest. A better person would just wish Steve’s husband back for him; but, she’s dying; she can indulge herself a little.

A rustling to her right brings her neck snapping around, earning her another lightning bolt through the cranium. When her vision clears, there’s a keeper - the keeper if she recognizes the dirt - looming at the edge of her vision.

“Hi,” she croaks, “Not dead yet. You can…” the keeper is cradline holding two items, drops them at her side and twitches its knees in her direction. After a long moment with no further reaction, Shepard reaches for the keeper’s cargo, keeping a wary eye on the little guy. Sweeping them close to her body, she finds two cylinders - water and medigel. “For me?” She asks in a rasp. “You’re being help-” the keeper bounces with a flex of its legs and sets off again before she can finish.

Dropping her head back down ( _slowly_ ) the gears begin to turn. She has resources now, something better than the idea of dragging her broken ass from some indeterminate place to another. She runs over the time between getting her boys off-planet and ending up here, counting the hits she took along the way. She’s only got one bloody, dirty, hand to work with - but she pops the medigel with her teeth and gets the big ones, the shoulder and her abdomen first. She squeezes the remnants of the tube onto her other arm, coating the burns the best she can. She doesn’t worry about her face, it’s not where the majority of the blood has been coming from. She feels, better.

The water is harder - easier to spill. She drags her good arm back, pulling the shoulder up so shes almost propped up on the elbow and uses a bit of leverage in her wrist to pop the top. She leans down to it and slurps, success! This also means she still has lips, which isn’t a thought she thought she’d ever have. She settles onto her back again, exhausted; she won’t be crawling her way out of this one. She sighs, part pain management technique, mostly resignation. The view is nice, it’s quiet, and she has time to think. All she really has, now, is time. Instinct tells her to go back over the mission, what she could have done better, the consequences. But... her tab of what she’s just done can be counted out after her body gives out. No one, she hopes, would begrudge her retreating to someplace other than this.

_It had started as idle chat months ago -no, years ago, when getting to know the head of her marine detail turned into falling for him, and he for her. Adorably awkward, both of them; giving lip service to caution but spilling all of their secrets. Kaidan’s time in BAaT, her own guilty regret of not having taken the opportunity to leave home, the contract to play semi-pro, before home was taken from her. That briefly-found safe place in each other._

_Then she’d died, and the way she came back, along with his past-tense use of the word love that slid back into the present, with time. Even if it came down to a standoff, lives on the line, she knew as soon as his eyes softened (the way they had not on Horizon) that they were in the clear._

_Then James… months back, a stupid quiz in a magazine, needling Kaidan for answers while she added her own, something frivolous to make him smile. He never argued if she was taking time away from the war for herself. Question six - a guest in bed, and who? She’s silently writing down Vega when Kaidan offered James, and she can’t not look up at him. She knew what Kaidan meant- he doesn’t do flings. “You and James?” she asked, her interest piqued._

_“You and James and me.” Kaidan corrected. “No one I’d trust more with your life… maybe Garrus, but he’s like a brother to you, family.”_

_“And James isn’t?” she had asked. And before they knew it, they’d had a forty-five minute conversation about a supposedly hypothetical question in a magazine downloaded to kill quarter of an hour. They got off on the idea, Kaidan’s lips on her throat as she pressed her body into his, going over possibilities until the exertion made words too onerous. After, as she straddled his hips as they came down, before she would succumb to the need to wrap herself in sheets and Kaidan’s arms, she put her hands on Kaidan’s shoulders and asked him if they should approach James about the possibility._

_True to form, Kaidan turned thoughtful, absently working his thumbs up her body, soft caresses she met with her lips as his hands came up to cup her face. “It’s complicated, Tel. It’s not just a kink, but.. we couldn’t just go back to ‘before’ if it doesn’t work out. There isn’t an out to leave him, never really was one, for us. The way he looks at you… and I don’t know if we have the time to... I mean, we just got Us back… “_

_She stopped him with another kiss. “I know-” she slid off and next to him, reaching across to pull his arm over her as she settled in beside him. “We’ll just wait until the last possible moment when the world’s about to end or we’re all very likely to all die - like Ilos.”_

_Kaidan nudged her - “Hey, it worked, didn’t it?”_

_“Yeah… it did.” she buried her face into his chest._

_The next mission was Desponia, and after Kaidan had dragged her back to the shuttle and she’d coughed up half of that creepy ocean, she took note of James’ hand of Kaidan’s shoulder, making sure he was alright too. And the idea didn’t go away… and they weren’t the only ones who noticed. Garrus had, in his tripping over his words to not say the wrong thing way, compared them to the way things had been with Ash - just more intense. The way she had responded, how often is Shepard at a loss for words?, had Garrus congratulating himself (of course) and offering his surrogate brother services if she had need of them. She’d threatened to yank one of his mandibles if he said anything else, but he just laughed, put a hand on her shoulder, and told her he meant it before sauntering off to ‘calibrate’ in Tali’s general direction; which was Kaidan’s problem in the ‘big brother’ department._

Shepard sighed, and located the water at her side. Too tired to lift herself again, she brought it to her face. She used the spilled drops by wiping her face. It got her nowhere close to cleaner, but, why not? She gingerly tested the shape of her face, satisfied enough that it’s general shape felt intact. She covered one eye, then the other, confirming they were both operational. Lacking any other pressing concerns, she let her mind drift, and proved to herself that even half dead is still alive by amusing herself by thoughts of James and Kaidan in closer than professional proximity (and as soldiers, personal space was sometimes a small thing to begin with).

Eventually, her keeper returned, this time bearing more water and a tolerably clean towel. The former was set down next to the open bottle, the latter unceremoniously dropped on her face, which she used to clean herself a bit more. Then, to Shepard’s amazement, instead of trotting off again, the keeper settled down off to her side, turning in such a way that allowed her to notice the lame limb it had been dragging along for who know how long. _Oh please don’t turn into a pile of goo right here,_ she thought. _That’s the limit of what I’ll maintain calm for - I will lose my shit._

Instead, it just tucks its little head into its chest and… falls asleep, she thinks. And even though she’s exhausted, she reaches around the back of her neck and pulls off her dog-tags, the old ones she’s kept since before N-School, without the fancy N7 or Spectre logos, and drops the loop around the keeper’s neck. _Welcome to the Alliance… George_ , she dubs him silently. The keeper twitches, but doesn’t wake, or melt. _Good_.

Tellan tucks her hand behind her head, a small, probably broken, cushion between it and the endless rubble underneath her, but it’s enough to let her drift off herself - hopefully to dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a bit... difficult? I think is the word. But I'm happy with it. Approaching the half-way point people!


	9. The Immediate Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What just happened? What's going to happen? James and Kaidan, Getting to The After.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo needed music to help me with this one - I made this so I figured I'd share.
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL5hIxS24RyBeDsjO5ujQrIN4E_4ZQiAWW
> 
> Also - shout out to the hubs who, after a necessary break, came back and helped me kick this chapter's ass!

It takes six hours to get back into the sky, James knew Kaidan had planned for it to take longer, but no one had obeyed orders to take downtime after their deck had been cleared of injuries and critical damage, including Kaidan. _Comandante_ had been up on hobbling on a just-repaired leg and favoring his arm weighing down the still-healing collarbone within thirty of landing. At least Chakwas has him pumped full of pain meds and stims; James doubts Kaidan would have stopped without them.

James had made for the shuttle-bay, to help Cortez clean up what he knew had to be an unholy mess, only to be turned away by Esteban at the elevator. “I’ve got fifteen unassigned hands at my beck and call,” he explained as he turned James’ shoulder back to the elevator. “And the Major’s going to need the help more than me.” Eventually James found himself standing between Kaidan and Traynor in the war room, approving reports transferred from the other two’s feeds as they work on technical aspects of getting back up and running, no one saying much for the first few hours.

Chatter across the ship is at a minimum, coms are jammed wide-open on one channel; everyone able to hear everyone. And not knowing what’s happened, exactly, what’s to say that you’d want to say to everyone? The news that is broadcast is mostly good; Esteban confirming only minor injuries in the shuttle bay, and later that the borrowed shuttle in the bay is good to go. Chakwas informing Kaidan the Crew Deck is clear and that she’s ordering everyone, including the Major, to eat. Engineering, Adams really, announced the drive core’s fine and that they need ‘specs for re-aligning their systems, considering...’ he doesn’t finish the sentence. EDI’s gone silent and Tali’s offship; any other crew might at least complain, but Adams, Daniels, and Donnelly don’t give any indication they’re hurting, their updates and reports coming into James’ feed in rapid-fire succession.

Kaidan asks for five minutes, and types up orders for the ship, putting life support, communications, and propulsion on the priority list. The AI core stays live, and is only to be removed from any of the priority systems if they are hindering them. The Reaper IFF, weapons, and stealth systems stay down, and are only to be restored in reverse order as resources permit and necessity prompts. James takes a deep breath when he reads it over when Kaidan sends it ship wide- he realizes it’s several big decisions Kaidan’s had to make without much intel and he can see the meaning Kaidan doesn’t spell out. _Shepard succeeded, the war’s over, we have to get back._ They have to take all of that on faith. Because it’s Kaidan, James does.

A few voices start at once, then stop, in James’ ear over the coms. Adams starts again first with an ‘aye aye,’ confirming orders received. Garrus, with forced levity, asks what he’s supposed to do without a weapons system to calibrate. Kaidan asks him to join them in the war room, and Liara pipes in, stating her intention to come with Garrus. Allers, as tactfully as she can without implying there’s a new CO, asks Kaidan’s permission to move about the ship for a story, which he gives just as deferentially without asking for details. Westmoreland, in a tiny, tiny voice, asks about the security crewmen, what they should do. James smiles at Kaidan’s reaction to his oversight. “Good catch.” Kaidan announces, “Head down to engineering and lend them a hand, you can help crack any systems that need getting into.” Westmoreland has been talking about attending tech academy after the war for forever, and James can hear the smile in her voice as she acknowledges the order.

Finally, Joker breaks his silence. “Hey guys… I know the AI core is technically online, but EDI…”

“Traynor’s on it, Joker.” Kaidan answers. “Listen,” he adds, looking over at James, “I’m sending Vega your way for a bit, to make sure the data feeds are all working. Alright?”  
James is already moving before Joker answers, but Kaidan stops him with a hand on his shoulder. “Move her body out of there, and stay with him until communications are back up - I’ll need you back here.” he instructs, softly, off coms, releasing him when James nods. “And call Chakwas if he’s in pain, he might have broken something.” James nods again and breaks eye contact, turning towards the door.

“Yeah… sure… Ok,” Joker answers after a long pause, “just keep me in the loop Traynor.”

“Of course Joker.” Traynor reassures him as James makes his way down the length of the deck, towards the bridge. The door opens for him, slowly now that it’s a security protocol clearing him for entrance, not EDI, but it does open. Joker is still in his pilot’s chair, EDI’s mobile platform lying limp in the co-pilot station. James’ omni-tool pings, and he pulls up a checklist from Daniels, manual input streams they need to check, her instructions including where to find them - the co-pilot’s station.

An excuse, a real one, to move her.

“Hey Joker.” he begins, walking up behind Joker’s chair. “I think they wanted me to be more... subtle about this, but you, uh, break anything? I mean, that was an amazing landing everything considered…” he stepped around to stand next to the chair, looking down at Joker more directly. “but I’m guessing other things might be bothering you more than a few injuries.”

Joker made a strangled half-laugh half-sigh sound that James could feel in his chest. “You’re not wrong. But, I’m fine - nothing’s broken, my bones… are fine.” Joker looks up at him. “I saved her from a volcano, once.”

“EDI?”

“No.” Joker huffed. “Shepard. And Kaidan, Garrus, and Liara, I guess. She caused a ‘seismic event’ that triggered an eruption. Oh, and they were inside the volcano at the time. But I guess that can be blamed on Liara.” Joker dropped his head back against the chair. “ I flew the Normandy in, saved their asses… even snagged the Mako they rode in on.” He sighs and tilts his head up to James, “I’m the Normandy’s pilot… it’s my job to get her, Shepard, into, and out of, the hot spots - Cortez or no Cortez. This,” he adds, motioning towards EDI, “isn’t even processing right now, I’m waiting for Traynor to explain it to me, and for someone to tell me where to go to get Shepard out. I waited two years once, I can handle a few more hours.”

“I can go with that.” James answers, giving Joker’s chair a pat. “Listen, I’m going to move EDI, her mobile platform, into one of the deck stations out there so I can work at the terminal, ok?”

“Sure,” Joker shrugs, “it’s not like she ever cares where her platform is on the ship. And, yeah, it might help with the focus.”

It’s more difficult to move her, now that it’s a her that James won’t just sling over his shoulder like a thing, and that he’s not wearing his armor with the power assist - not to mention the busted ribs. It’s only a few steps to the first empty deck station, and he sets her down as gently as he can manage, trying to not manhandle her too much as he straightens her limbs into a pose he supposes would be comfortable when she wakes up.

He heads back to the bridge and settles into the co-pilot’s chair, and lets Joker tease him about being not as pretty as the last few occupants of his chair as he starts to work through Daniels’ checklist. When he asks who else has been prettying up the place, he gets another history lesson about the Major, and Shepard, that kills another hour as they wait for the next update on the Normandy’s status. It’s mostly Joker doing the talking and James trying to focus on that and the work in front of him, and it’s almost enough to keep him wondering about what’s happening, what’s _happened_ , outside of the ship. Then a report from Donnely confirms external communication are back on his grid, even if he can’t speak for their connectivity and James is up with a jolt. After a quick goodbye to Joker, who waves him off with a disinterested “yeah, later.” James takes the length of the ship as fast as his sore ribs allow him, dodging a few scurrying servicemen eager to get back into their stations now that communications are up. He catches a few groans about the network being borked, but that doesn’t matter. Power to communications means the QECs are back up, and they don’t need the network. He almost pauses at the security station, and skids into the door into the war room, asking Traynor what’s up as he takes his place next to her.

“The Major’s just gone in to speak to Admiral Hackett.” she nods towards the QEC, “The admiral was waiting for us. I’m just… looking over…” Traynor trails off and grabs his arms with a startled intake of breath. “You should go in there, now.” she tells him. “Go.” she repeats, pushing him with an urgency that he doesn’t question. He’s half in the room when he hears Liara, who’s taken a terminal next to Garrus, say she thinks she has a fix on Tali’s location. He pauses and turns, thinking he should get a rundown to relay to Kaidan, and then he hears Hackett say the words Citadel, explosion, and missing in action, and he stops.

He steps inside the vid-com cubby and stands by the door, nodding to Kaidan when the Major turns around to see who’s come into the room. Kaidan only returns the nod and turns back to Hackett, only his hand gripping the railing in front of him giving anything away. Hackett finishes the rundown, the Reapers and Geth going dark, the damage to the relays, the recovery of the Citadel and the countless rescue missions already underway - enough ships never made it to Charon that they’re actually saving more people than evacuation through the relay would have. Kaidan, to James amazement, asks for orders. _Aren’t we going to the fucking Citadel?_ Hackett, even in grainy blue, looks similarly puzzled. “I’ll leave your immediate course of action up to you and your crew - the Normandy is still under Spectre command. I’ll have all available data sent to your communications specialist, and Normandy will be the first to know if we have an update on Shepard. But you should know, her suit’s readouts went dead before she reached the Citadel, and we haven’t been able to raise her on audio.”

“Understood admiral.” Kaidan answered shortly, with a salute.

“I’ll leave you to it, Major. Hackett out.” The holo goes dead and Kaidan turns on his heel to leave, and James steps in front of him, blocking his path.

“Hey, we’re going to the Citadel, right? I mean… that’s where she is. I mean…” he steps aside again, already sure he’s crossed line. “What do you need me to do?” he finishes, with a shrug.

Kaidan doesn’t move, and actually takes a step back, “Probably…” he sighs. “I mean, every part of me is telling me to, but if I order the ship to high-tail it out of here, and I miss something? We have to be ready, and sure. And at ease, LT.” he says with a hint or irritation, pulling his back straighter. “We’re good. I was... testing the waters with Hackett. It’s not… it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve stolen the Normandy.” Kaidan gives him that smug smile, “And you thought I was falling in line for Hackett, right?” He shakes his head, “I have to work on my reputation, at least with you. We’ll get her back, James, and then…”

“The After.” James supplies. Kaidan only nods, and leads him out into the war room.

* * *

 

They’re all assembled in the War Room, a forever ago and too many faces down since the last time, and everyone’s hanging on Kaidan’s every word. First he confirms the good news, the Reaper’s are gone, dead, apparently harmless; not even the signals given off by any of the Reapers disabled before the Catalyst fired remaining. This part he announces over coms, and they can hear the cheers through the deck plates. He quickly adds that outside communications will need to wait until the network is back up and they’re within range of a com buoy, which required getting back in the sky. He adds a reminder to stay rested and fed, (even Traynor rolls her eyes at that) and shuts his com off to continue.

And James is the worst person in the Galaxy, because even as he tries to pay attention to the conversation, the tech is beyond him, _something about chunks of code missing from EDI’s brain box that control her higher functions_ , and he’s so damned tired. His mind is on Shepard, and Kaidan, who’s standing so close the sleeves of their borrowed shirts catch as they shift their weight, and mentally he’s back in their bed and fast-fucking-asleep between them. He wants to be the guy who stays wired forever and lasts for days… _shit, haven’t I been?_ Just when he thinks he’s not going to make it, and just drop, he hears Liara say “I think I’ve found Tali.” and Kaidan jerks, bringing James back around.

“Where?” Kaidan asks. “Show me.” Liara moves to terminal that controls the holo-projector, and brings up a modeling of a com buoy. “My systems have picked up heavily damaged com buoy system in Sol’s local cluster, confirming we’re still ‘here’” she starts, immediately following it with “I’ve passed this onto Samantha and the other communications crew. We’re just not in range to transmit, and my receivers have always been better.” Kaidan nodded to her to continue. “They’re bouncing a signal, very little data, but using the Normandy’s signature, reconstructed.”

“Someone pretending to be us?” Kaidan asks.

“Or trying to get our attention.” Garrus answers. “It’s a simple message, too. ‘Go for the optics, Shepard.’”

“Tali… We know how old this is?” Kaidan looks between them. “And how does this tell us where she is?”

“Theres a bit more to the signal, there’s a time stamp, and a set of coordinates. The network is too damaged to carry much more, the Reapers had...”

“And we triangulate off the com buoy.” Kaidan finishes. “Traynor do we have anyone who…”

“We’re the closest, and Engineer Adams has us estimated at ninety minutes for lift-off,” Traynor answers, “the disabled Geth fleet is another four and a half hours. The Citadel, Earth, is sixteen.” Her voice is even, but Samantha does not look up from her workstation.

“And we don’t know for sure if Shepard’s findable - or have a signal for her. There are people at the Citadel.” Kaidan sighs. “It’s Tali… we go for her, and the Quarians stranded with her, first.”

“Kaidan…” Garrus starts, his mandibles twitch, but he doesn’t continue.

“It’s Tali, Garrus, it’s not… not as hard a decision as it might seem. That’s… it is what it is.” Kaidan brushes up against James as he steps away from his terminal, “I’m going to check in with crew that are stuck…”

Kaidan’s arms slides against his as he passes, and James fixates on it, looks down, and sees the light of his omni-tool message notification, a reminder when he’s left messages go too long without dealing with them.

 _I have a signal for Shepard_.

He grabs Kaidan’s wrist, and repeats the thought out loud. He tries to explain, but can only manage to say he can see the amp data for anyone nearby. He pulls it up and shows Kaidan the data coming in from his and Liara’s head, Kaidan blinking at him in response. “Maybe Doc can use it to… I dunno, make some kind of tracker, expand the range.”

“Yes,” Liara says, coming around the console banks to stand next to them, and moving to take James’ hand that was still wrapped around Kaidan’s wrist, but stopping herself when she sees the connection. “I had pretty much forgotten about this, you haven’t mentioned it.”

“I did forget.” Kaidan added, not making eye contact. “But, we’re still closer to Tali, and Geth ships aren’t generally known for their life-support systems. But work on this with Liara, I’ll be..” he looks around the room, gently pulling himself out of James’ grip. “following up.”

Then James finally sees it, Kaidan’s reeling. _This is Kaidan overwhelmed, and I did it_. He lets go of Kaidan’s wrist to put a steadying hand on his shoulder. “Check in with Chakwas, get an update on casualties. I’m pretty sure you’ll find us at Liara’s as soon as we knock out bearing coordinates to get Tali in like… twenty?” he asks the room. Samantha answers that they’ll make it ten, and Kaidan nods and turns to leave. James moves to give his arm to Liara, and the room goes blurry. He is tired. He takes another step towards her, feeling wobbly, and then he does drop, but doesn't reach the floor before everything goes black.

* * *

 

He comes to on a bed, and tries to sit up, but a set of hands on his left arm keep him from getting the leverage he needs. “I need your arm, James” Liara commands him, sounding bemused. “You also have an IV, you shouldn’t disturb it.”

“IV?” he mumbles thickly, “when’d I get that?” He blinks a few times, testing his eyes against the light; too bright, a crap load of monitors, and Liara next to him on the bed with his arm across her knees. “Not the War Room. Your place, I’m guessing.”

“Yes.” Liara laughs. “Kaidan and Garrus managed, with some help, to get you here with only a little difficulty. It’s been about two hours, we’re already underway to derelict fleet. And I’ve had quite a few visitors, or you have”

“Visitors?” James asks, opening an eye in the direction of Liara’s voice.

“Hmmm.” Liara hums, typing on his omni-tool. “Steve and Samantha, Garrus stayed for a few minutes after we got you here.”

“I’m guessing Chakwas, for the IV.” James said. “She going to yell at me?”

“Dr. Chakwas does not yell, James.” Liara chides. “She’s had experience dealing with patients who overexert themselves, myself included. Considering the talking to she gave Kaidan, I think you are in the clear.”

“Kaidan?” James repeats, opening his eyes. “Mierda, he’s gotta be pissed.”

“I doubt it.” Kaidan interjects, his voice coming from somewhere on the other end of the room. “But you’re definitely not suiting up when we get to the Geth fleet.”

“I guess I can’t argue that, Comandante, orders?” James asks, sitting up, slowly, despite Liara’s sigh of protest. He swings his legs over the edge of the bed, leaving control of his left arm with Liara who circles around him with the IV bag across and off the bed, into a nearby chair to keep working. Turning his head, he sees Kaidan standing in the doorway, leaning his head and shoulder against the frame, although he tilts his head up when James catches his eye.

“Actually, a question.” Kaidan answers. “Traynor has an idea for turning that amp app into a workable tracker , she… suggested, reluctantly, that we hard wire your omni-tool chip into the QEC deck. It’s too big a…”

“Take it,” James interrupts him, stretching his arm in Liara’s grip for emphasis. “I don’t need it more than finding Shepard.”

“I’ve already backed up your personal files.” Liara explained as Kaidan leaned out of the door, waving at someone outside, “You might want to get any personal messages out before we start… it will take several hours for a replacement chip to come to full bio-charge after it’s implanted. We’ll be in com buoy range soon, or… you could use a terminal, I could send your files for you.”

James coils his arm back in, flexing his fingers to get the feeling back after being held by someone else. He opens his messages, to the only message string in his inbox:

 

> Lt. J Vega [stn: classified] to: Spct. Mj. K Alenko [time sent: classified]  
>  Text: Hey there - I know you’re busy. But, how’d it go, she say yes?
> 
> Spct. Mj. K Alenko [stn: classified TOP SECRET] to: Lt J Vega [time sent: BLOCKED]  
>  Voice to Text: Huh…invested, Vega?

“Just need a sec, Doc. One thing.” He opens a reply, taps it out, and hits send as he turns back to Kaidan as he turns his arm back over to Liara.

Kaidan is back in the doorway, watching James and Liara. When his omni-tool lights up, he doesn’t look away until he has the display up.

 

> Lt. J Vega [stn: error] to: Spct. Mj. K Alenko [time sent: 00:00:00 error]  
>  Text: Yes

Doctor Chakwas announces her presence behind Kaidan with a polite inquiry into James’ status, and Kaidan moves to let her in. He doesn’t step to the side, though. Instead, he crosses the length of the cabin in a few determined strides, and when he reaches Liara, who is between James and the rest of the room, climbs up onto and walks across the bed to sit on James’ right. The space between the James and the wall is close, and to fit Kaidan moves his arm back and brings his hand to rest on James’ lower back, which is just the right kind of distraction from Chakwas’ prep. He only half-hears her run through of the procedure as she cleans and numbs the incision site.

“You scared the hell out me, back there.” Kaidan starts in a low voice when the doctor has her back turned. “You went down like a stack of bricks; felt like it, anyway, when I caught you.”

“Well, thanks, _Comandante_ , saved me a cracked skull on top of everything else.” James smiled weakly.

“When was the last time you ate? Or sl- I know the answer to that one. Did you even...”

Chakwas is liberal with the anesthetic, but when the scalpel slides into his forearm, and James instinctively flinches. It doesn’t hurt, but he can feel it, the wrongness of metal breaking the skin and tissue, and his free hand reaches for the nearest object to hold - Kaidan’s knee. Kaidan’s responding flinch causes James to jerk back, and Liara has to brace his left shoulder, asking if they need to stop, to prevent him from doing even more damage with Chakwas’ scalpel.

Kaidan’s arm leaves James’ back, and his fingers wraps around James’ palm. “Hey, it’s alright. Stay still.” Kaidan instructs in a tone once reserved for Shepard - and damn if it didn’t go straight to his head. “The knitters are still working in that knee, the nerve endings are still punchy. Here,” he continues, giving James’ hand a squeeze, “Will this work?”

James sighs, “Yeah… listen…” he trailed off with a hiss of discomfort as he felt a tug as Chakwas pulled the omni-chip from the muscle tissue. He opts not to look at it, and kept his eyes down. The re-implant of the new chip is almost nothing in comparison. Liara is off with chip at a pace that has her out of the room before her invitation to stay and rest is complete. Chakwas instructs him to stay, and sleep, she has concerns about his exhaustion affecting the bone knitters, and adds a medication James can’t pronounce to his IV.

“And you,” she continued, turning to Kaidan. “The two of you had the worst of it, down there. One of Shepard’s strengths is trusting her people to take care of the ship. You need to rest -there are still a few hours before we will reach the Geth fleet.”

“Yeah, _Comandante_ , wouldn’t want to to embarrass yourself by falling out in the middle of the op, like some of us.” James joked, returning the squeeze.

Kaidan sighs. “Yeah, ok. I’ll… hide out here with LT,” he says with a shoulder nudge. “Keep an eye on him since his omni-tool is dark.” He let go of James’ hand and scooted back across the bed, sitting back against the headboard, claiming the other side and opening up his omni-tool. “Garrus should have coms back on independent channels soon, and Liara and Traynor have the QEC covered. Not much else I can do at the moment.”

“We’ve done everything we could, Kaidan.” Chakwas smiles at him as she gathers her supplies. With a nod she excuses herself and leaves.

James pulled his left arm into himself, flexing his fingers experimentally. “That was fun. Small thing if it works tho’.”

“Big thing if it works, James.” Kaidan says turning the omni-tool off after a glance at the door. “You should really sleep, but about -”

“The message?’ James interrupts as he brings his feet back up onto the bed, stretching out turning his head on the pillow to look at Kaidan. “I am invested in… this” he said pointing between them with his injured arm. “Just had the thought to get my answer out there just in case The After isn’t…” He shrugged. “Just wanted it out there. All’s I’m saying ” he continued, pulling at the chain with Lola and Kaid’s tags, “is you’re not alone in this. I want her back too.”  
Kaidan let out a long breath. “Not so complicated then, is it?”

“Nope.” James grinned. “But look, I can wait a few more hours. So, I’ll get that sleep like the doctor ordered and you just consider me one less thing to worry about for a while?”

“Noted, LT.” Kaidan smiled back. “Now get some damned sleep.”

"Aye Aye, Comandante." James answered with what he hoped was a smirk as he settled into the pillows.


	10. And the Beginning of

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> News, and an answer.

_James is re-running the Cerberus bombardment of the Kelphic Valley._

_Dreams are fucking weird, he thinks to himself as he looks from Scars running alongside over to Lola throwing herself over and behind cover as they clear the no-man’s land. She pops back up, smirking, and pulls a mnemonic, the big one, and James has the exact same thought he had when he watched her do it on Tuchanka, ‘Fuck me.’ The flare detonates behind him, and several Cerberus troopers tap out from what James can hear on the hacked com signal as he and Scars pitch over the same cover, landing on either side of Shepard who sinks down to sit between them as they all catch their breath._

_“Spirits Shepard, you had to aim that between us?” Garrus asked her, in the dream that had already happened._

_“Sorry Garrus, had to be done.” Shepard huffs, bumping shoulders with him. She tapped her visor, “This is working great. Wouldn’t been able to make that shot with the helmet’s HUD.”_

_James is supposed to rap the side of his own helmet, call them both loco, and swing his shotgun around to-_

_The world starts beeping in a way it hadn’t the first time around, and he started to panic, believing that it was the warning that the bomb was about to go off - then he remembers._

_The dream turns abstract, blurry, starts to merge with one of the matches he and Lola ran with her buddy Jack at the arena during the last shore-leave - the beeping a simulated Cerberus grenade Jack had kicked back into a cluster of CG-troopers. Jack turned to him and said,_

_“Wake the fuck up, dumbass.”_

The room is almost dark, Liara’s wall of monitors having been turned away from the bed. James picks his head up, trying to blink the sleep out and find the source of the noise that followed him out of dream. He stretches his arms out from his sides, and his left hand runs into something - someone - and James turns his head. Kaidan is next to him, facing away and fast asleep, James guesses, by the rhythm of the rise and fall of his shoulders. A blue light turns on in his peripheral vision, and the beeping stops only to be followed by oddly cheerful synthetic voice.

“Lieutenant Vega, it is good you are awake.” Glyph starts. “My new ‘alarm clock’ functionality Dr. T’Soni has installed via remote uplink had been proving inadequate until my proximity parameters were altered fifteen minutes ago.”

“Alarm clo… proximity…” James mutters, rubbing at his face, “did you just turn on?”

“Yes, and yes, and yes.” Glyph answers as it floats towards the foot of the bed. “Dr. T’Soni installed the new application on Communication Specialist Traynor’s suggestion. Major Alekno has locked the door to Dr. T’Soni’s quarters using Spectre protocols. Only he, Commander Shepard, or someone in this room can open the door. I was engaged in power-save mode, emitting only audible wavelengths. Dr. T’Soni has asked me to inform the Major that the Normandy is one-half hour from arrival at the disabled Geth Fleet. Do you wish me to-”

“I got it.” James cut Glyph off. “Kaidan… hey… Kaid.” he turns back to Kaidan, laying a hand on his back, unsure where he could touch without causing Kaidan pain. “Kaidan, hey, you gotta go get Tali.” he continues as he rubs a circle on Kaidan’s shoulder blade. “Come on Kaidan, Tali.” he repeats, drawing the words out and adding a bit more volume.

Kaidan twitches under his hand and rolls back towards James. “Sorry.” he mumbles. “Didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“S’okay.” James reassures him. “Look.” He offers. “I know what you said about not suiting up for Tali, Comandante, but you could get a bit more shut-eye…” he trails off as Kaidan pulls himself up, planting his feet on the opposite side of the bed.

“No. I got this.” Kaidan answers, even as his shoulders sag when he rests his elbows on his knees. “She’s just got to be ok.” he adds, “Or else, I dunno. ”

James lets his head fall back onto the pillow. “I know.” is all he says in response. _What else is there to say? Nothing to do but see how it works out._

Glyph bounces at the foot of the bed. “If I may, Major, Dr. T’Soni asked me to inform you when we were one half hour from the Geth fleet. That was twenty minutes ago, there was some difficulty in waking you and Lieuten-”

“So you’re saying we’re only ten minutes out?” Kaidan asks.

“Yes.” Glyph bobs in confirmation.

“Right,” Kaidan announces, pushing himself off the bed. “You. Rest.” he instructs James. “I’d rather know you’re here where it’s… you know.” he finishes.

“Stay out of trouble. Understood, Comandante.” James grins at Kaidan, who doesn’t grin back. “I’m good, Kaidan.” James reassures him. “Go help Scars get his girl, and we’ll go get yo- Lola.”

Kaidan nods and steps away. James hears the door open and Liara’s quietly concerned greeting floating back to him as soon as Kaidan’s stepped through. He stretches again, and wonders if he should sleep more, or wait until he’s heard the boarding party is clear and that Tali’s ok. He tries to activate his new omni-tool, but the screen only flickers on briefly, flashes a ‘low biocharge’ warning, and shuts down.

Glyph floats up over the bed, above the space Kaidan had been occupying. “Is there any way I can assist you, Lieutenant Vega?”

Eyeing the VI, James shrugs. “I’m just gonna sleep, I think. You can turn off. I mean… I’m ok. You don’t need to…”

“I have several relaxing sound files.” Glyph offers. “Dr. T’Soni has requested one in particular quite frequently over the last several days. It has proven quite effective in assisting her achieve REM sleep. It is copied from Commander Shepard’s piano in her quarters on the Citadel. Do you want me to play it back?”

“Sure. Fine.” James acquiesces - Glyph isn’t an AI, but it’s hard to tell it to shut up. James settles back in and tries to focus on the music, and to not think anymore.

The next sound James hears is the electronic trill of a low laugh filtering through a speaker. He blinks his eyes open and a quiet giggle follows the first - different, also female. He props himself onto his elbows and he immediately notices Liara standing at her workstation, her face lit up by the monitors that are still the only source of light in the room. Then the figure sitting at the foot at his bed comes into focus - and as far James can figure, it’s a bald quarian.

The quarian turns as he moves, and the purple faceplate flashes with the speaker’s light at she speaks. “You had us worried, James.

“Tali, hi. You look… different.” James yawns. “You’re uh… scarves. I mean, you ok?”

“I’m fine.” she answers with a nod of her head. “Raan broke her arm when the Geth went dark - we needed a sling. A very nice ensign who claimed she was in charge of laundry has the them.”

“You missed quite the entrance, James.” Liara confirms. “Garrus carrying Tali in his arms…”

“Keelah.” Tali interrupts, waving a hand at the memory.

“Followed by a procession of Quarians being helped by crewmen to the Med Bay.” Liara continues over Tali’s objection. “And one eager ensign, wide-eyed and shaky-voiced asking Garrus and Tali if she can help.”

“She said she was from laundry?” James asked. “You know what, nevermind.” he adds, remembering Tali was probably all too aware of Shepard’s scheme to get James clean clothes during the ship lock down.

“Right. And An-y-way,” Tali sing-songs as she turns, pulling a leg up onto the bed to face James fully, “I can go work on our AI issue after I’ve calibr- setup your new omni-chip.”

“Yeah?” James asks. “I tried it a while back, when Kaidan left to suit up when we reached you guys. It wasn’t charged yet…”

“That was eight hours ago, James.” Liara interrupts. “Doctor Chakwas checked on you when she removed your IV, and said we should let you rest. Before you ask, we’re only three hours out from Earth. And you,” she adds, looking at Tali, “are supposed to finish re-hydrating, then work on James’ omni-tool.”

Tali sighs and reaches down to lift a large water bottle, complete with straw. She inserts the straw into somewhere where her mouth seems to be and draws out the long slurping, gurgling sound of the last few drops of the liquid being pulled up the straw with all the air she’s pulling in - only stopping when Liara shakes her head and turns back to her work. Dropping the bottle Tali pushes herself onto her knees and clambers up the bed, dropping down to sit next to him and holds out a hand. “Let’s see what they’ve given you, Lieutenant.”

James wriggles himself upright and lets his arm flop over, adjusting to give her better access. When the screen pops up Tali let out another long sigh and activates the com function on his new interface.

“Kaidan, really? Logic Arrest?” she announces without preamble, letting James guess that individual com channels are back up.

“He’s a soldier, Tali.” Kaidan answers with a chuckle. “All shield enhancements - not so much with the multiple attack processes.”

“But I said you need to just overclock the micro-frame.” She keens slightly. “Sometimes I think I you do these things to spite me, Major Alenko.”

“Never, Admiral Vas Normandy. I take it James is awake? How’s he doing?”

“I’m uh… fine. I mean, hi - this is my com channel.” James answers, trying not to grimace at himself.

“Right.” Kaidan answers. After a pause, he continued. “I don’t know what Tali and Liara have told you, but we’re only a few hours out from Earth, and I’m expecting an update from Hackett in thirty. If you’re up for it… “

James flicks his eyes over to Tali, who’s watching him talk to Kaidan. “Anything you say, Comandante.” he answers. “Unless the admiral needs my arm for more than thirty.” he amends.

“Please.” Tali scoffs. “I’ve already imported your backed-up files, upgraded your OS, fixed the power driver, and added all of the Normandy protocols. Annnddd… done.” she finishes with a shrug and releasing his arm. She stands before James can say thanks. “Now, Major, I followed orders and drank the ‘juice’ and fixed James simple omni-tool, I’m going back to work. You and Vakarian know where to find me.” she finishes and cuts the com-link. With a pat of James’ arm she pops up and off the bed, only pausing on her way out to wrap an arm around Liara’s shoulder in a quick hug and a private murmured thought James can’t hear before she’s out of the room.

James rises, testing his knees to make sure they’ll hold him up this time. “Hey, uh… thanks for letting me crash here for so long.” he says to Liara when he notices she’s watching him. “You uh, must be wanting your... you get any sleep yourself?”

“Of course James.” she smiles at him. “And I did, in fact, sleep. It seems you didn’t notice the few hours we shared the bed - while Tali was in the Med Bay making sure her suit wasn’t damaged.” she explained

“Ah no.” James blushed. “I guess I was out of it.”

“Understandable, considering.” Liara goes still for a moment, before she turns to James. “Did you know you mumble in your sleep?”

“Uh, no - I didn’t say anything too bad, did I?” James rubbed the back of his neck, bracing for her answer.

“No - I don’t think so.” Liara answers, slowly as if she’s just made up her mind. “As long as… In case the tracker doesn’t… work. Maybe you’ll be able to to a better job of keeping -” she shrugs, and with a click of a button on her workstation the lights come back up. “I’m very good at getting privileged information - but the skill is in using it wisely.” she adds. “You should eat. Ensigns Westmoreland and Copeland made something called cup cakes, chocolate.”

“Got it.” James bounces on his feet once before pushing off. He makes it to the door before he feels the need to answer her abandoned request. “I’ll be sticking close to Kaidan, whether or not- you know.” he nods as he swallows down the thought of Lola being gone for good. “Hey, you never had a chocolate cupcake?” he asks, changing the subject. He smiles as she shakes her head. “I’ll go grab you one, you gotta try it.” he doesn’t wait for her answer before he slips out of the door and into the bustling crew deck.

A scarfed-down MRE and four savored-over cupcakes later (even with the all the extra hands on board, Copeland and Westmoreland went way overboard, covering the mess with frosted goodness including two dozen bright pink dextro cupcakes stacked on the designation shelf), James drops a couple deserts off at Liara’s and rides the elevator back up to the CIC. He finds Kaidan and Traynor back at their work stations in the War Room and takes the same terminal he had been working at between them, checking to see if they’d queued anything for him. Not finding much, and noticing he had two pairs of eyes sneaking glances at him, he opens the first item and says “I’m fine, Sam, Comandante, what’d I miss?”

“Not a whole lot.” Kaidan answers. “Allers has been forwarding news reports about the start of the recovery.” He sends a list of extra-next links to preliminary ANN reports, and a few updates from the Hierarchy and Admiralty to James’ terminal. “It’s been quiet about Shepard.” he adds, quick and low before he clears his throat. “Hopefully that’s just because Hackett’s keeping it under wraps.”

James hand twitches between their bodies with the desire to appropriate a gesture he’s seen Shepard use - a brush of his knuckles against Kaidan’s he’s seen Shepard use countless time since he knew he wanted to watch them - the memory driving home just how long he’s wanted…. this. Half pretending, if only for himself, he twitches again, drawing his knuckles against Kaidan’s and almost jumps when he feels Kaidan return the gesture. Tilting his glance in Kaidan’s direction, he find his Comandante smiling sadly, inclining his head in his direction, but not making eye contact. This, he knows, is part of Lola and Kaidan’s game, never directly acknowledging the touch, so James takes it as a good sign. At least, he’s pretty sure it’s good.

The moment is broken by Traynor, who announces that an urgent message has been forwarded to Major Alenko, from Allers of all people. Kaidan opts to contact her directly instead of reading the text.

“What’s up, Allers?” is all Kaidan says when the com connects.

“Sorry to interrupt, Major.” Allers begins. “But I’ve made several contacts on Earth, and most of them are freaking out about bands of Krogan smashing historical buildings in London with heavy equipment and hand tools.”

“Are they hurting people? Do we have proof?” Kaidan sighs - even James knows this is definitely the kind of thing that would fall into Lola’s lap if she were able to take the call.

“The Krogan wouldn’t just wig out like that - no way.” is all the insight James can offer.

“Diana’s message had a vid link,” Traynor supplies, pulling it up onto their work stations. It’s dark, and the image isn’t very clear, but it is definitely krogan smashing rocks in front a of an old building - but there are a few Alliance soldiers there too, and no one seems to be trying to make them stop.

“That’s the front of the Parliament building.” Allers explains. “There are worries about a diplomatic incident before the Alliance even has it’s bearings. That’s what they’re calling the combined forces on Earth.” she adds. “Krogan, Asari, Human, even the Geth. We need an explanation for this, and fast.”  
“What do we know about the building?” Kaidan asks the three of them. “Sam, I know you’re not from London, but…”

“Right.” She nods. “Closest thing to local knowledge.” She taps her finger on the console. “Old, made of stone, statues…. Wait! Are there any fabricators visible in vid?”

“I’m not sure…” Allers delays. “There are, I think so, yes - I can see the medical fabricator sheds just on the edge of the frame. What does that mean?”

“If they’re demolishing the original, historical, facade - which I think they are.” Traynor explains “It’s limestone - the stone is partially made of calcium and carbon. They’re likely breaking up the stone so it will fit in the fabricator - my money would be on for the manufacture for bone-knitter strata.”

“Makes sense. Will you be willing to go with that, Allers?” Kaidan asks. “You can cite me as a source, and I‘m guessing the historical info is somewhere in the ship’s databanks.

“Sure thing, Major. Thanks… and, off the record of course… if you could pass on and updates about EDI, or Shepard?”

“Off the record, sure.” Kaidan answers without taking a pause to consider. “You’re crew.”

“Right… you know, you’re not so bad, Alenko.” she doesn’t wait for his response before she signs off.

“Well, good to know I have the ANN stamp of approval.” Kaidan huffs. “And great job being quick making a call on that potential disaster, Traynor.”

“Well, I did go to uni at Oxford.” Traynor avers. “Still, I think I’ll add this to my tally next to the Galaxy Map.”

James, during the the entire exchange, had stayed quiet, but watched the vid as it updated during the discussion. They were watching footage from Earth… footage of the beginning of the recovery. Not only were the Reapers dead, gone - _there was an Earth, home, it was real._

And so was the incoming QEC alert.

Traynor closed the alert, and clearing her throat still went through the traditional “Admiral Hackett on vidcom for you.” blinking fast and avoiding both Kaidan and James’ eyes when the both stepped away. She looks up briefly when James laid a hand on her shoulder, but she only smiles and reminds him that the admiral is waiting. She says it softly, maybe thinking he won’t hear her, but he does catch her quiet, “And I was there encouraging Garrus to tell Joker to leave.” But Hackett’s waiting, and all he can do is file that moment away to deal with later.

The holo of Hackett lights up as the enter the room - and Hackett doesn't even bother with formality. “Gentlemen, I know what you want to hear. And I’m happy to report that we have her. Shepard's alive and in surgery as we speak. I’ve already sent the navpoint to the facility that’s treating her along. It’s secure, but your Spectre status will get you and anyone you deem appropriate access. Other than that - anything you wish to report?”

“Ahhh, just that we’ve recovered the Quarian admirals embedded with the Geth fleet and we’re about two hours from Earth, now. And admiral, has there been any word on Anderson?” Kaidan asks, his words clipped to get them all out.”

Hackett pauses before he answers. “It’s good news about the Quarians, I’ll send word to Daro’Xen to they’ll know. About David…”

“Not good news, then?” James asks, stepping forward even as he winces at the use of Anderson’s first name.

“Shepard was conscious when she was rescued, and made a point of letting her rescuers know that David passed before she was able to fire the Crucible.” Hackett rubbed his hands together as he spoke, “She wanted to be sure we knew before she went under, for Kahlee, she said.”

“Of course she did.” Kaidan continues. “Honestly, Admiral, is Tel - Shepard going to be alright?”

“The doctors seem to think so, Major.” Hackett answers. “Frankly, it’s a miracle we found her at all. Without that tracker your crew put together and, believe it or not, a keeper that seemed to be taking care of her, we might never have found her in time.”

Kaidan swallows, and doesn’t say anything for a moment. Then another. When Kaidan swallows again, James takes it as a cue to step into the conversation. “Good to know admiral. Just to confirm, our Communication Specialist has sent through the latest updates on our status. We will set a heading to rendezvous with the Normandy’s commanding officer. And… our stealth system is still on the fritz, so, uh, you might want to warn... somebody. We tend to attract attention and we’ll be coming in pretty hot.”

“Of course.” Hackett acknowledges. “Carry on. Hackett out.”

James salutes and the holo goes dark, and James turns to find Kaidan watching him. “You gonna be OK Comandante?” James asks, unsure how Kaidan is going to react.

“Yeah,” he answers thickly. I think I’m uh, gonna ask Joker if we can get back to Earth any faster. Maybe with the news…” Kaidan runs a hand through his hair. “She’s not dead.” It’s a complete statement unconnected from his previous thought, nothing following.

“Shep- Tel’s _alive_.” James confirms, venturing a smile. “You gonna be alright?”

Kaidan takes a deep breath in and lets it out. “I think so.” he nods. “Ask me in a few hours.” he adds as he sidesteps James and leaves the room.

Joker and Adams do manage to shave some time off of their ETA, and the next few hours is a flurry of trying to find their non-crew passengers a place to go once they’ve docked, and the regular crew getting messages out to loved ones on the new networks already being set up. James types one out for his uncle, but the only place he has to send it is a general listserv. He hasn’t heard from his Uncle since before the war, and he already knows Escondido is long gone. And Kaidan keeps himself busy enough that James is slightly surprised to see Kaidan coming through the door of the Crew Quarters, where James settled when he finally ran out of things that needed to be done to prep for their arrival on Earth.

“Is this when I ask you if you’re going to be alright?” James asks after Kaidan leans against the chair next to James. “Or does that depend on how Lola’s doing?”

“Sorry - just wound up.” Kaidan shakes his head. “Listen, I don’t know if asking you to come with me to see Shepard is an insult, or if you need me to… I want you to come.” He finally shrugs. “I just do.”

“Yeah, I’ll come. I wanted to anyway, but… I’m literally sitting here, on my hands.” James sighs as he shifts and pulls his hands into his lap. “We almost there?”

“Joker’s dodging debris as we speak. Meet me on the bridge in ten?”

“Sure thing, Comandante.” James grins, throwing a salute without making a move to rise. Kaidan puts a hand on James’ shoulder,squeezes, and lets his hand slide off as he walks away, not really bothering to let go before he’s out of reach.

James looks down at his hands and wiggles his fingers, and starts to count how long he has to wait before he follows Kaidan up to the bridge.

* * *

 

The hospital building is secure, and very crowded. Esteban has to pull the Spectre card to get the guy controlling the landing pad to stop yelling about the hospital being full and understand that they were just dropping off able-bodied Alliance personnel and supplies. When they’re finally cleared and land, there is a security checkpoint at the roof, then the staircase, and one to get to Shepard’s floor. When they round another corner only to find another checkpoint, Kaidan waives his omni-tool at the terminal and takes James by the forearm, walking them both through with a curse and a dismissal of “Take it up with the council.”

Kaidan doesn’t let go of James’ arm as they make their way down the hall, mumbling as he looks from some indication where they are supposed to go. “That last guard said we were supposed to…”

“Are you here for Commander Shepard?” a voice asks from one of the doorways.

“Yeah,” James answers first, stepping forward into a small examination room occupied by an asari in a lab coat wielding a data pad. “We’re her, he’s her…” James stammers.

“I’m Commander Shepard’s designated next of kin.” Kaidan offers, following James into the room. “Kaidan Alenko, Alliance Marines.”

“We’re you added recently?” the asari hedges, scrolling through the information on the pad. “I don’t see anything about a next of kin in her records since her arrival in Vancouver last year.”

“Check 2183.” Kaidan answers, “Before… she arrived in Vancouver.”

“Oh, right - sorry about that. Lieut- Major Alenko.” she corrects herself when she looks up and notices the pips on Kaidan’s BDUs. “And you are fine with Mr…” she nods in James’ direction.

“Look, Doctor, Ma’am, he’s my guy. He’s good.” Kaidan says quickly. “Is Shepard alive? Is she going to stay alive? We need answers, now, please.” He raises his hands up, palms out and fingers spread, a momentary surrender before he drops them back at his sides and turns his body slightly towards James and crosses his arms against his torso. “Just, tell us.” he asks, and James has to resist the urge reach out to him - it’s not something he can do, not yet.

The asari sighs takes a deep breath in preparation to speak. “Commander Shepard presented with multiple fractures and moderate to severe burns on fifty to seventy five percent of her body.” She barrells on over Kaidan’s very audible intake of breath. “She also sustained lacerations to the abdomen and face, as well as a not insignificant bullet wound to her shoulder and clavicle. All of which has been dealt with.” She assures them. “Between bone knitters and cell cultures, which according to the specialists she’s responded to at a significantly better than average rate, as if she has received gene therapy to be adaptive to it.”

“That would be the Cerberus retrofit. Good for something” James murmurs, rubbing his collarbone after feeling a phantom sympathy pang when the doctor, he assumed she was a doctor, mentioned the bullet wound.

“I’m sensing a ‘however’ here, Doctor.” Kaidan says when the doctor’s pause drags on.

This doctor sighs. “The Commander also presented with a neurological injury, primarily resulting in widespread paralysis.” She held up her hand when both Kaidan and James jerked further upright. “It isn’t actually physical. We’ve determined that there was a failure of her synthetic CNS.” She paused and looked between the two of them, gauging their response before continuing. She furrows her brow slightly, as if expecting more than a nod from Kaidan before continuing. “It seems the Commander has, in the past, received cybernetic replacements for systems that were catastrophically injured. We found these… components to be intact, but missing vital pieces of their operational protocols. Some were completely wiped of all programming.”

“They were missing code?” Kaidan asks. “He only huffs and rubs the back of of his head when the doctor nods in the affirmative.

“So where we at, Doc?” James asks, eager to move along even if Kaidan’s question seemed important in the larger scheme of things. Something about chunks of missing code.

The doctor turns her attention to James, smiling for the first time. “Since we’ve learned the nature of the Commander’s injuries, we’ve made great progress. There have been great advances in cybernetics in the last four years. The majority of the procedures Shepard has required involved replacing the missing software, which involves minimally invasive procedures. We have been able to restore function to the dormant components.”

“That’s good right?” James asks. “She’s not actually paralyzed.” James bit of the question at the end of his sentence, willing it to be true.

James feels his stomach drop along with the doctor’s grin. “Shepard’s cybernetics are very advanced, and no one at this facility has seen such an extensive reconstruction of these functions. The computing necessary… it should have been beyond what’s possible.”

“Right. Sounds like her.” Kaidan quips with a rueful smile. “You don’t know?” he asks, leveling his gaze at the doctor.

“We don’t have an exact prognosis.” she admits, looking down at her data pad, “She’s not going to be up and about by the end of the week, but it’s a miracle she’s here at all. The Commander is under sedation now, to help with the discomfort of the bone and cellular reconstruction. She should be awake in a couple of hours. I’ll have someone come by and take you to her room.” She makes a few taps on her data pad and starts to head for the door. “I wish I could be more specific.” the doctor says when she reaches the doorway. “For what it’s worth, we’re going to make sure she gets the best shot of a full recovery we possibly can.” She gives a final nod to both of them and leaves them alone to process the news.

Kaidan is the first to react, stepping back to lean against a storage cabinet behind him, sagging slightly as the air leaves his lungs in one rush of air. James, on an impulse he can’t name - something between the thought Kaidan was about to go down and the need to be nearer, closes the distance between them, coming within arm's reach. Kaidan lifts his hand and takes the extra set of tags James has been wearing since they hit Cronos in his fingers and with a light tug, uses them them to pull James in closer.

“After hearing that, is your answer still yes?” Kaidan asks him quietly as he lifts his head to make full eye contact.

And of course James’ mouth goes off before his brain’s filter kicks in. Lucky for him, he doesn’t need it. “Yeah, Comandante, you and Lola want me, you got me.” he answers, putting his hand on the cabinet beside Kaidan’s head to steady himself.

Kaidan breathes, and his left hand comes up James’ side, smoothing bruised ribs before sliding around to press against his body, pushing him forward as Kaidan pulls on the tags. He’s only half prepared when his lips meet Kaidan’s, and Kaidan is definitely kissing him - strong and firm and _shit this real._ Kaidan kisses him again, softer, then again. On the fourth kiss James is kissing back, just claiming Kaidan’s lower lip before he breaks the kiss to ask the question.

“You uh… never gave your answer. You didn’t say….”

“Yes.” Kaidan sighs as he pulls James in for a final kiss that James can actually process. He pulls back when he feels Kaidan lets go of the tags and drops his head to take a shaky breath. “She didn’t leave.” he says quietly and he draws a circle on James’ chest with his finger.

“Of course not,” James answers. “She had us to come back to, didn’t she?”

“Us.” Kaidan nods and he pushes off the cabinet, and nods towards the door. “I’m tired of waiting on getting started on that. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience! And all lovely comments! ::does a dance::


	11. After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, about Shepard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Just a quick little chapter before we move onto post-war proper! If anyone's keeping track, we're looking at 4 more chapters.
> 
> Music Rec courtesy of honeybee592 - Alexi Murdoch "Wait"  
> http://youtu.be/ztg-1pBm-eo
> 
> Thanks for the rec!

It took them longer than it should to find the room, bumping into each other as they stuck close, maneuvering through the crowded halls. Eventually James spots the guarded door at the end of a long hall, and catches Kaidan’s wrist to pull him along as he puts his size to use blazing a path through the crowd. When they reach the door, Kaidan, with a flick of his wrist, slips out of James’ grip to entwine their fingers together as he pulls rank on the corporals standing guard and sails through the door, pulling James in behind.

It’s just a room, it’s just a bed like the ones in Chakwas’ Med Bay, somewhat re-assembled. Kaidan actually stifles a laugh. “They shaved her head. She’s going to love that.”

They did, and James can see an old scar that starts at her hairline and travels up several inches that until now was hidden by her hair. “You think she’ll be pissed?” he asks.

“No, I’m serious.” Kaidan says, letting go of James as he walks into the room.

It’s… not as bad as James thought it would be, seeing Shepard laid up. Of course, he’s seen her covered in the blood and debris of reapers and indoctrinated Cerberus troops, _and isn’t that the fact that they’re all gone something_. He’s also held closed wounds on her body that were larger than his fist while she watched him with glassy eyes and asked him not to tell Kaidan. So, maybe, that particular bar is set higher than it might be.

Kaidan pauses at the hand-written sign at the foot of the bed (‘approach from patient’s right’) and steps to his left, taking her hand in his as he leans a hip against the edge of the gurney. Shepard murmurs and shifts her head on the pillow, but the drugs haven’t worn off completely and she doesn’t wake.

She’s very clean, and very pink. James can’t help but think she looks like one of the tourists crowding the beaches during the summers back home. The skin of the bridge of her nose is even peeling a little bit, like a sunburn that’s been a few days to heal. And her lips are chapped like she’s been out on the water all day. The doctors did their job well, only the bandage glowing faintly orange covering her left eye and cheekbone gives anything away about what she’s been through. He briefly remembers their discussion about her eyes and wonders if they’ll still be green when she opens them, but he can’t really imagine them any other way.

“You’d think it’d get old, waiting for her to wake up - but,” Kaidan sighs, “it just doesn’t. Not after Eden Prime, not even when I waited two years, not knowing I was waiting. I dunno,” he muses as he stares down at her fingers, “I should probably tell her that - but then she’ll just tease me about it forever, thank god.”

James steps up to the foot of the bed, resting his hand on a makeshift railing that’s been omni-welded on, “You know, Joker said something similar, back when I was running those jobs for Daniels on the bridge. About waiting for her...” James shifts his shoulders, unsure if he should continue. Kaidan looks up at him, but doesn’t answer, and quirks his head as he lowers Shepard’s hand back onto the bed, as if he knows James has more to say.

“She waited for you too.” he says quickly. “After Mars….” he adds, trailing off, unsure if he should venture anything about Vancouver.

With a wince as he shifts his weight, Kaidan hooks his ankle around the leg of a nearby chair, pulls it close and lowers himself into it without leaving Shepard’s side. “I know… even when she couldn’t exactly wait for me to catch up, she always came back for me, at all… damn I am stubborn.” he adds with a shake of his head.

“You know, really, you’ve been around for most of the time Tel’ and I have really been together,” Kaidan continues, “and I have a history of making things more complicated than they needed to be, and us?” He gestures between the three of them with his free hand. “It’s a bit complicated. But… uh…anyway -” he pauses, pressing the heel of his hand into his eye as he sucked in a breath. “I’m going to need you to be the one to tell Shepard the war is over, if she asks - because that’s just going to be past the limit of what I can handle.”

“Migraine?” James asks, looking around for a chair and quickly pulling it in to take a seat facing Kaidan. “You need me to get a doc?” He reaches tentatively for the arm Kaidan has propped his head on.

“No.” Kaidan flinches away from James hand, but raises his free hand to intercept it and place it on the back of his head. “I mean yes, but no. Just… yeah,” he affirms when James switches out his right for his left hand, cupping the back of Kaidan’s head and stroking his thumb back and forth over what he guesses is the implant scar. “It was due,” Kaidan says, “just, uhhhh,” he moans into a press of James’s thumb, “distract me.”

“Well,” James stalls, “how about this. I’m really looking forward to buying Shepard that drink at the first nice..ish bar we find open. What’s the first thing you gonna do, when we have down time?”

They kill time spitballing ideas, and they lose track of the hour, only pausing occasionally to listen for Shepard’s steady breathing. Kaidan is still hunched over, his head in his hands, but he barely flinches when his omni tool activates right next to his ear.

“It’s Garrus,” he explains, reviewing the message. “Seems we have a few more VIPs in this facility, and the guards are giving him a hard time getting to the Primarch. I should probably go get him through security- Tali too, hell, Shepard’s going to want to see everyone.” He stands, and James watches as Kaidan unbends, rolls his shoulders, and blinks away the tense, pained expression he’s been sporting the last couple of hours.

“You feeling better?” James asks, “Cuz that seemed pretty quick, considering you were trying to push your own head in a second ago.”

Kaidan shrugs as he leans over Shepard to brush his fingers over her new stubbly haircut, “They say ten thousand hours of practice will make you an expert at anything. Twenty years in? I think I’ve put in the time. Anyway, duty calls. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He steps past James, “Thanks for the head rubs.. I don’t usually…”

“More where that came from,” James interrupts him, nudging Kaidan’s thigh to prod him towards the door. “Go collect Lola’s favorite Turian. You know what Scars’ll do for her mood.”

Kaidan rolls his eyes, “So you can deal with the nurses when they start breaking things in their collective boredom, thanks.” Kaidan stops at the door, “If she wakes up?” he starts.

“I got her, don’t worry.” James nods. “Go!”

And that’s how James finds himself alone with the newly dubbed Saviour of the Galaxy as she wakes up in the world she saved.

James is dinking around on his new omni-tool when he hears her grumbling and a soft ‘shit’ right before her right hand shoots out and nearly smacks him in the face. He stands, and taking the stray hand in his he asks her “You awake, Lola? How you feelin’? Do you-”

“Marshmallow,” she grimaces, scrunching her eyes shut as she squirms.

He flicks his eyes down towards her feet, _they’re moving_.

“What?” he asks, leaning down to take a look at her. _I don’t know where to get marshmallows._

“S’how I feel - marshmallow… toasted.” she grumbles again. She turns her head away from him, and a god-awful series of popping noises come from the vicinity of her neck before she drops her head back with a sigh of contentment.

“Tel’?” James asks, “Are you… ok? Kaidan’ll be pissed if you broke again before he got back - at me, I mean.”

She turns back to him as he’s leaning over the bed, and smiles at him. “Hi. You’re here. And Kaidan?”

James looks her in the eye, still green, and glassy like she’s been drugged to Charon and back. “Yeah, he’s here. He’s going to get Garrus into the hospital, Spectre clearance and all - place is locked up pretty tight.”

Shepard actually blows a raspberry at him, “He didn’t just tell everyone he’s Archangel?”

“I don’t think that holds a lot of water with security guards.” James answers with a laugh. “Drugs treating you good there, Lola?”

“Yeah. Just a marshmallow… all squishy and no bones - but poked with a stick and set on fire, or mostly on fire…” She stops, noticing her left hand orchestrating her sing-song. “It works.” she says simply, turning to look at him again. “And you’re holding my other hand. Did you and Kaidan talk?”

“Yeah, we talked a bit.” he answers quietly as he shifts his weight to lean against the bed.

“Good talk?” she asks, flexing her fingers so he’ll give and let them intertwine with his.

“You’re a bit stoned, Lola, so I won’t hold you to anything. But yeah, I’m in - with you, and Kaidan, if you want.” he nods, and clears his throat.

“I want.” she smiles again.

“Ok then,” he smiles back, daring to lean in a steal a kiss to the top of her head. He leans back to her pulling her smile, crinkled nose and squinty eyes, _and yeah, never going to used to the feeling in my chest when she does that._

“Hey James, do you - Shepard?” James looks up, and Kaidan is standing in the doorway, his hands braced against either side of the door, leaning in as if he was going to push back out and take off again. “Shepard, hey.” Kaidan repeats, lowering his hands and stepping into the room and towards the two of them.

Shepard snorts a little. “He does that. _Hey_. _" s_ he repeats, mimicking Kaidan'stone _._  "I think it’s cute.”


End file.
